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February 19th 2011 - The end of bed sharing with G.

Ben leaves tomorrow for…I am honestly not even sure how long. Somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks. Which means that today is a mad dash of practice, sorting merch, guitar center runs and hopefully some fun family time tonight.

My one goal for before Ben left has been accomplished. It was a seemingly simple goal, but proved hard for us. This goal was to get Greyson sleeping in his own bed, without one of us laying with him.

For the first 3 and a half years of Grey’s life he slept next to me in our bed. At around 3 and a half years old we got him a full size bed in his room. The transition to sleeping in his own room was very slow and involved one of us laying with him while he fell asleep.

I absolutely loved this time with Greyson. We would snuggle, read, talk about our day and then lay quietly until he fell asleep. After Winter was born, I cherished this time with him even more. I think I needed the time more than he did!

However, now that Winter is older the 45 minutes that it can take of laying with Grey is not so easy. Especially when Ben is gone.

At Christmas (4.5 years old), G got a new bed. A twin size loft bed. We’ve told him that we can not get in the bed with him because we are too big. This was the first step. We started out reading his bedtime books on the couch and then hanging out in his room with him until he was asleep. Then slowing working on easing ourselves out.

Our new routine rocks! Books in the green chair, potty, say goodnight, tuck in, hugs, kiss… Then I check on him every 8 minutes until he is asleep. Usually, it only takes checking on him once or twice. When we first started this routine, I would go in to check on him and he would be sitting up, sad that he was in bed. I finally convinced him that when I come to check on him, he needs to be laying down! He’s not going to fall asleep sitting up!

So far, Ben has had a few nights of late practice, I’ve done bedtime on my own. It’s gone great! Last tour, bedtime was one of my biggest sources of stress so I am super stoked to have a stress free routine down.

December 20th 2010 - Reflections from a failed breastfeeder.

When people ask me why I did not breastfeed Greyson, the simple answer I give is, "My milk never came in."

I've known for a long time that the answer was much more complex than that. In fact, it took nursing WinterRose for me to realize that under different circumstances, I may have very well had a successful nursing relationship with Greyson.

These are the things I know about trying to nurse Grey.

1. He had a poor latch
2. I have PCOS (33% of women with PCOS have low supply)
3. The LCs at Kaiser suck.
4. G was screaming, hadn't had pee or poop in 24 hours and had a slight fever. A bottle of formula cured all of these issues.
5. I was seriously lacking in breastfeeding support.

At 5 days old, we took Greyson to ER at 4am. They said he was dehydrated, gave him a bottle and sent us on our way. Oh how I wish someone in the ER had had us finger feed or cup feed Greyson instead. The nipple confusion was instant and when I tried to get him back on the breast, it was a big fat fail. Ben joked that that was our 100$ bottle of formula (our ER co-pay).

So I pumped. and pumped. And pumped. And nothing came out. I sought support, but the only breastfeeders I knew at the time didn't know me in real life. This was a problem because A. They made breastfeeding seem so natural and easy, and B. They gave advice with out compassion. They made me feel like a failure. While I appreciate a lactivist as much as the next guy, making feel like crap for giving Grey formula wasn't going to do me any good.

No one in my real life, family or friends had ever breastfed. Both my mom and Ben, while they were a tremendous support in so many other ways, really could care less about whether my babies are breastfed or formula fed.

I contacted Le Leche League, but no leaders ever returned my calls or emails. In fact, the same happened this time when I sought support while breastfeeding Winter. I couldn't afford to pay for a real international board certified lactation consultant. The Kaiser LC just told me to keep pumping. She never even asked to see me try to get Grey latched.

What was different this time around?

1. I was seen by the seemingly ONE good LC at Kaiser. When Winter had a "disorganized sucking reflex" I was given a nipple shield. This one little piece of plastic seriously saved our nursing relationship.

2. I knew real life, honest to goodness friends who had breastfed. They gave support and advice with compassion. They shared their own struggles and broke the facade of breastfeeding being the most natural, easy thing in the world. They acknowledged that it could be hard, while assuring me that it does get better...instead of making me feel like a failure.

3. The FREE breastfeeding support group at Day One, which are run by International Board Certified Lactation Consultants.

I no longer allow myself to feel guilty about not breastfeeding Grey. He is intelligent, allergy free, and so far is not over weight. I can't imagine us having a stronger bond than we do. Though I no longer feel the guilt, I could not forget the desire. This is why I fought so hard to maintain the nursing relationship with Winter. And I am so glad I did.

December 9th 2010 - Traditions

I am realizing as we get closer to Christmas that it is time for me to start new traditions with my kidlets and let go of what used to be my traditions.

My grandmother and auntie are gone. They aren't coming back. It will never be like it was when I was kid. If my own family members cant stand to even be in a room with me for 1 day out of the year, I need to come to terms with that. It hurts. But I need to move on.

So I make new traditions. I am not the kid anymore. Christmas is not about ME. It's about my kids. And magic and giving and wonder.

So I hide a silly elf around the house each night. I bake with my kiddo and do crafts. We'll drive around to see Christmas lights. I'll be happy for all that I DO have and say good riddance to all that I don't have or to those that are so negative and hurtful.

Anyone who wouldn't want to see this happy face on Christmas because they are harboring a 17 year grudge is just crazy.

December 9th 2010 - Greysonisms

Just a little list of Greyson cuteness as of late.

~ When he builds with his blocks he calls them sculptures.

~ The other day G was going to hide from my sister and he asked where he should hide. I made a few suggestions and then jokingly said, "You could hide in my butt." To which he replied, "Noooo, she'd see my legs!"

~ When Grey writes my name is looks like runes.

~ Grey is getting much better at just playing on his own with blocks or cars or whatever he can find. He still loves TV but when I turn it off he can entertain himself. I love listening in on his pretend play.

~ The other day Grey was cleaning up, taking toys from the living room to the play room. Winter is in the Jumperoo. He tells me, "Ok, you need to stay with Winter so I can put all the crap away." then runs off singing, "put t...his crap away, put this crap away, puttttt thiiiiiis crap awayyyyyyy" Oh that kid.

~ He's so cute with pants on and no shirt. He's a little hard body.

~ I turned on one of the free yoga classes on the cable box and he did the yoga along with the dude on TV, it was cute.

~ He is always asking how to spell things. One night he had a dream that Grammy Lois made Auntie Mimi cry. So now he asks, "How do you spell, 'Auntie Mimi's tears'?"

~ I left both kids in the bed while I went to the bathroom. I came back to find Grey trying to nurse his sister.

~ In the middle of the night, while asleep, Grey started giggling. Then he said, "Mom, hehehehehe, why, hehehehe did Carlos say 'giddy' in my dream?" Then more giggling, then, "hehehehe, I had my hands on my balls. hehehehe."

~ Today Winter was asleep in her carseat when we got home. I told Grey he could go in and watch TV if he wanted because I was going to stay at the car. He said no and chose to run around and eat blackberries instead. Infact, today was the first time in quite a while that he didn't ask to watch TV at all.

~ He really loves to help his sister eat

~ He loves books. Is starting to learn to read. I love the pride on his face when he spells a word right or finds a word on a page.

~ The other day Ben was writing a facebook update which had Grey's name in it. He saw it and Ben what he was writing about him. Hehehe.

~ He is very helpful, especially when it comes to daddy's work. We go out to the shop and he wants to help work and asks soooo many questions about what goes on out there.

~ He also really loves to bake and cook with us.

~ Carlos shaved off his mustache on Thanksgiving. Now that it is growing back, G says he has his real face back.

December 5th 2010 - sleeeeeeep

Just as I am ready to call the doctor to talk about the possibility that WinterRose might have reflux, she starts sleeping better. Of course now that I have written this, she'll be sleeping poorly again. *jinx*

Don't get me wrong, she is still reverse cycling, but she is no longer fussing between 5 minute nursing sessions. She still wakes up when I get up to go the bathroom or to have some "me" time, but at least when I am next to her and nursing, I am able to sleep.

Winnie's daytime eating is minimal. She mainly snacks, but is too distracted to eat a full meal from the breast. "They" say to take an easily distracted baby to a dark, quiet room to nurse...Who the eff can do that?! Even if I take her to my room and draw the blinds, that leaves Grey neglected. Or he comes in and disturbs us. Which makes WinterRose laugh. Eating = DONE. And this is why she reverse cycles.

This is a typical daytime feed for us. Just playing around!


At first, it really bothered me. I was trying to reverse the reverse cycling. Believe me, that is easier said than done! Who wants to get out of bed to rock and shush a fussy baby at 3am, trying to stretch the time between feeds, when you can just nurse her back to sleep? Not me! It sucked! Especially since she would wake almost immediately after I laid back down. Not fun.

But now that I am sleeping through most of her feeds I am feeling better about it. I decided to take on the attitude that it frees up my day a lot. We're very busy. Greyson going to and from school. Shopping. Usually being on the go. Not that I can't nurse on the go. I DO nurse on the go (thank you Beco!) but it sure is easier when I don't have to. So we are busy throughout the day. And we nurse at night.

We've also got teething going on. Her lower left tooth (from her perspective) is starting to pop through. We've had a lot of screaming in his house the last couple of days. Her pain cry is heart breaking. Grey didn't get his first tooth until 13 months. I don't remember him crying like this. He got very clingy, but didn't scream.

Here are some recent cell phone photos. I hope to have a nice big Greyson update soon. Love that little silly guy.