December 20th 2010 - Reflections from a failed breastfeeder.

When people ask me why I did not breastfeed Greyson, the simple answer I give is, "My milk never came in."

I've known for a long time that the answer was much more complex than that. In fact, it took nursing WinterRose for me to realize that under different circumstances, I may have very well had a successful nursing relationship with Greyson.

These are the things I know about trying to nurse Grey.

1. He had a poor latch
2. I have PCOS (33% of women with PCOS have low supply)
3. The LCs at Kaiser suck.
4. G was screaming, hadn't had pee or poop in 24 hours and had a slight fever. A bottle of formula cured all of these issues.
5. I was seriously lacking in breastfeeding support.

At 5 days old, we took Greyson to ER at 4am. They said he was dehydrated, gave him a bottle and sent us on our way. Oh how I wish someone in the ER had had us finger feed or cup feed Greyson instead. The nipple confusion was instant and when I tried to get him back on the breast, it was a big fat fail. Ben joked that that was our 100$ bottle of formula (our ER co-pay).

So I pumped. and pumped. And pumped. And nothing came out. I sought support, but the only breastfeeders I knew at the time didn't know me in real life. This was a problem because A. They made breastfeeding seem so natural and easy, and B. They gave advice with out compassion. They made me feel like a failure. While I appreciate a lactivist as much as the next guy, making feel like crap for giving Grey formula wasn't going to do me any good.

No one in my real life, family or friends had ever breastfed. Both my mom and Ben, while they were a tremendous support in so many other ways, really could care less about whether my babies are breastfed or formula fed.

I contacted Le Leche League, but no leaders ever returned my calls or emails. In fact, the same happened this time when I sought support while breastfeeding Winter. I couldn't afford to pay for a real international board certified lactation consultant. The Kaiser LC just told me to keep pumping. She never even asked to see me try to get Grey latched.

What was different this time around?

1. I was seen by the seemingly ONE good LC at Kaiser. When Winter had a "disorganized sucking reflex" I was given a nipple shield. This one little piece of plastic seriously saved our nursing relationship.

2. I knew real life, honest to goodness friends who had breastfed. They gave support and advice with compassion. They shared their own struggles and broke the facade of breastfeeding being the most natural, easy thing in the world. They acknowledged that it could be hard, while assuring me that it does get better...instead of making me feel like a failure.

3. The FREE breastfeeding support group at Day One, which are run by International Board Certified Lactation Consultants.

I no longer allow myself to feel guilty about not breastfeeding Grey. He is intelligent, allergy free, and so far is not over weight. I can't imagine us having a stronger bond than we do. Though I no longer feel the guilt, I could not forget the desire. This is why I fought so hard to maintain the nursing relationship with Winter. And I am so glad I did.