We've got ROCK, we don't need your money!

2011-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

- Posted using BlogPresl from my iPhone

We've Moved!

2011-02-25T12:30:00.000-08:00

Blogger has been good to us, but it is time to move on.

Please join us at our new blog: http://www.thisrockstarlife.com

February 19th 2011 - The end of bed sharing with G.

2011-02-19T13:26:00.001-08:00

Ben leaves tomorrow for…I am honestly not even sure how long. Somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks. Which means that today is a mad dash of practice, sorting merch, guitar center runs and hopefully some fun family time tonight.

My one goal for before Ben left has been accomplished. It was a seemingly simple goal, but proved hard for us. This goal was to get Greyson sleeping in his own bed, without one of us laying with him.

For the first 3 and a half years of Grey’s life he slept next to me in our bed. At around 3 and a half years old we got him a full size bed in his room. The transition to sleeping in his own room was very slow and involved one of us laying with him while he fell asleep.

I absolutely loved this time with Greyson. We would snuggle, read, talk about our day and then lay quietly until he fell asleep. After Winter was born, I cherished this time with him even more. I think I needed the time more than he did!

However, now that Winter is older the 45 minutes that it can take of laying with Grey is not so easy. Especially when Ben is gone.

At Christmas (4.5 years old), G got a new bed. A twin size loft bed. We’ve told him that we can not get in the bed with him because we are too big. This was the first step. We started out reading his bedtime books on the couch and then hanging out in his room with him until he was asleep. Then slowing working on easing ourselves out.

Our new routine rocks! Books in the green chair, potty, say goodnight, tuck in, hugs, kiss… Then I check on him every 8 minutes until he is asleep. Usually, it only takes checking on him once or twice. When we first started this routine, I would go in to check on him and he would be sitting up, sad that he was in bed. I finally convinced him that when I come to check on him, he needs to be laying down! He’s not going to fall asleep sitting up!

So far, Ben has had a few nights of late practice, I’ve done bedtime on my own. It’s gone great! Last tour, bedtime was one of my biggest sources of stress so I am super stoked to have a stress free routine down.

December 20th 2010 - Reflections from a failed breastfeeder.

2010-12-20T23:28:00.000-08:00

When people ask me why I did not breastfeed Greyson, the simple answer I give is, "My milk never came in."

I've known for a long time that the answer was much more complex than that. In fact, it took nursing WinterRose for me to realize that under different circumstances, I may have very well had a successful nursing relationship with Greyson.

These are the things I know about trying to nurse Grey.

1. He had a poor latch
2. I have PCOS (33% of women with PCOS have low supply)
3. The LCs at Kaiser suck.
4. G was screaming, hadn't had pee or poop in 24 hours and had a slight fever. A bottle of formula cured all of these issues.
5. I was seriously lacking in breastfeeding support.

At 5 days old, we took Greyson to ER at 4am. They said he was dehydrated, gave him a bottle and sent us on our way. Oh how I wish someone in the ER had had us finger feed or cup feed Greyson instead. The nipple confusion was instant and when I tried to get him back on the breast, it was a big fat fail. Ben joked that that was our 100$ bottle of formula (our ER co-pay).

So I pumped. and pumped. And pumped. And nothing came out. I sought support, but the only breastfeeders I knew at the time didn't know me in real life. This was a problem because A. They made breastfeeding seem so natural and easy, and B. They gave advice with out compassion. They made me feel like a failure. While I appreciate a lactivist as much as the next guy, making feel like crap for giving Grey formula wasn't going to do me any good.

No one in my real life, family or friends had ever breastfed. Both my mom and Ben, while they were a tremendous support in so many other ways, really could care less about whether my babies are breastfed or formula fed.

I contacted Le Leche League, but no leaders ever returned my calls or emails. In fact, the same happened this time when I sought support while breastfeeding Winter. I couldn't afford to pay for a real international board certified lactation consultant. The Kaiser LC just told me to keep pumping. She never even asked to see me try to get Grey latched.

What was different this time around?

1. I was seen by the seemingly ONE good LC at Kaiser. When Winter had a "disorganized sucking reflex" I was given a nipple shield. This one little piece of plastic seriously saved our nursing relationship.

2. I knew real life, honest to goodness friends who had breastfed. They gave support and advice with compassion. They shared their own struggles and broke the facade of breastfeeding being the most natural, easy thing in the world. They acknowledged that it could be hard, while assuring me that it does get better...instead of making me feel like a failure.

3. The FREE breastfeeding support group at Day One, which are run by International Board Certified Lactation Consultants.

I no longer allow myself to feel guilty about not breastfeeding Grey. He is intelligent, allergy free, and so far is not over weight. I can't imagine us having a stronger bond than we do. Though I no longer feel the guilt, I could not forget the desire. This is why I fought so hard to maintain the nursing relationship with Winter. And I am so glad I did.

December 9th 2010 - Traditions

2010-12-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

I am realizing as we get closer to Christmas that it is time for me to start new traditions with my kidlets and let go of what used to be my traditions.

My grandmother and auntie are gone. They aren't coming back. It will never be like it was when I was kid. If my own family members cant stand to even be in a room with me for 1 day out of the year, I need to come to terms with that. It hurts. But I need to move on.

So I make new traditions. I am not the kid anymore. Christmas is not about ME. It's about my kids. And magic and giving and wonder.

So I hide a silly elf around the house each night. I bake with my kiddo and do crafts. We'll drive around to see Christmas lights. I'll be happy for all that I DO have and say good riddance to all that I don't have or to those that are so negative and hurtful.

Anyone who wouldn't want to see this happy face on Christmas because they are harboring a 17 year grudge is just crazy.

December 9th 2010 - Greysonisms

2010-12-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

Just a little list of Greyson cuteness as of late.

~ When he builds with his blocks he calls them sculptures.

~ The other day G was going to hide from my sister and he asked where he should hide. I made a few suggestions and then jokingly said, "You could hide in my butt." To which he replied, "Noooo, she'd see my legs!"

~ When Grey writes my name is looks like runes.

~ Grey is getting much better at just playing on his own with blocks or cars or whatever he can find. He still loves TV but when I turn it off he can entertain himself. I love listening in on his pretend play.

~ The other day Grey was cleaning up, taking toys from the living room to the play room. Winter is in the Jumperoo. He tells me, "Ok, you need to stay with Winter so I can put all the crap away." then runs off singing, "put t...his crap away, put this crap away, puttttt thiiiiiis crap awayyyyyyy" Oh that kid.

~ He's so cute with pants on and no shirt. He's a little hard body.

~ I turned on one of the free yoga classes on the cable box and he did the yoga along with the dude on TV, it was cute.

~ He is always asking how to spell things. One night he had a dream that Grammy Lois made Auntie Mimi cry. So now he asks, "How do you spell, 'Auntie Mimi's tears'?"

~ I left both kids in the bed while I went to the bathroom. I came back to find Grey trying to nurse his sister.

~ In the middle of the night, while asleep, Grey started giggling. Then he said, "Mom, hehehehehe, why, hehehehe did Carlos say 'giddy' in my dream?" Then more giggling, then, "hehehehe, I had my hands on my balls. hehehehe."

~ Today Winter was asleep in her carseat when we got home. I told Grey he could go in and watch TV if he wanted because I was going to stay at the car. He said no and chose to run around and eat blackberries instead. Infact, today was the first time in quite a while that he didn't ask to watch TV at all.

~ He really loves to help his sister eat

~ He loves books. Is starting to learn to read. I love the pride on his face when he spells a word right or finds a word on a page.

~ The other day Ben was writing a facebook update which had Grey's name in it. He saw it and Ben what he was writing about him. Hehehe.

~ He is very helpful, especially when it comes to daddy's work. We go out to the shop and he wants to help work and asks soooo many questions about what goes on out there.

~ He also really loves to bake and cook with us.

~ Carlos shaved off his mustache on Thanksgiving. Now that it is growing back, G says he has his real face back.

December 5th 2010 - sleeeeeeep

2010-12-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

Just as I am ready to call the doctor to talk about the possibility that WinterRose might have reflux, she starts sleeping better. Of course now that I have written this, she'll be sleeping poorly again. *jinx*

Don't get me wrong, she is still reverse cycling, but she is no longer fussing between 5 minute nursing sessions. She still wakes up when I get up to go the bathroom or to have some "me" time, but at least when I am next to her and nursing, I am able to sleep.

Winnie's daytime eating is minimal. She mainly snacks, but is too distracted to eat a full meal from the breast. "They" say to take an easily distracted baby to a dark, quiet room to nurse...Who the eff can do that?! Even if I take her to my room and draw the blinds, that leaves Grey neglected. Or he comes in and disturbs us. Which makes WinterRose laugh. Eating = DONE. And this is why she reverse cycles.

This is a typical daytime feed for us. Just playing around!

At first, it really bothered me. I was trying to reverse the reverse cycling. Believe me, that is easier said than done! Who wants to get out of bed to rock and shush a fussy baby at 3am, trying to stretch the time between feeds, when you can just nurse her back to sleep? Not me! It sucked! Especially since she would wake almost immediately after I laid back down. Not fun.

But now that I am sleeping through most of her feeds I am feeling better about it. I decided to take on the attitude that it frees up my day a lot. We're very busy. Greyson going to and from school. Shopping. Usually being on the go. Not that I can't nurse on the go. I DO nurse on the go (thank you Beco!) but it sure is easier when I don't have to. So we are busy throughout the day. And we nurse at night.

We've also got teething going on. Her lower left tooth (from her perspective) is starting to pop through. We've had a lot of screaming in his house the last couple of days. Her pain cry is heart breaking. Grey didn't get his first tooth until 13 months. I don't remember him crying like this. He got very clingy, but didn't scream.

Here are some recent cell phone photos. I hope to have a nice big Greyson update soon. Love that little silly guy.

November 7th 2010 - Little Joys

2010-11-07T23:05:00.000-08:00

I have felt like the last 6 months were all just survival mode. Get through the day, not yell at G too much, let the baby vampire suck me dry.

Over the last few weeks I think I have finally gotten into a groove. I've been able to spend more joyous time with Grey. More productive time with Grey. We've started going to library story time each week. Drawing together. But one of the most fun things we are doing is cooking together. I've finally gotten to a point where I am comfortable cooking with Winter in the Beco Carrier. I don't normally like cooking while wearing baby on the front, but I am getting used to it. So G is now my little sous-chef.

We've been baking a couple times a week. Blueberry muffins, zucchini muffins. He helps with the stirring. I measure the ingredients and he pours them in. We've made pizza dough and he is has been helping me with dinner. Seasoning chicken for me. Scooping pasta out of the pasta jar. Even helping cut veggies. The best part is that he is more likely to eat better at dinner because he helped cook the food.

He is so proud of himself when he helps cook and when our finished product is done. The only annoyance is that he ALWAYS wants to help me cook. Even when I don't want help. Or am just making a quick sandwich.

November 5th 2010 - Holidays

2010-11-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

They holidays are coming up and I have been brainstorming some ideas for gifts for Grey. I want to stay on the creative side of things.

Lately he has been into puppets. So I think I am going to make him a puppet making kit. A few tube socks, various buttons, yarns, and other accessories. I know they make premade puppet making kits but I think putting one together would be fun!

At story time they use a felt board. I think i might get him one to hang on the wall and get a bunch of different felt. Then we can go through his books and make felts to go along with his stories.

I am so excited about these two ideas that I almost want to make them now and give them to him early! But, I will be a good girl and wait.

Aside from that, we might get him a couple new tag reader books. I firmly believe that he has ENOUGH as far as electronics go (he can navigate a computer and plays educational games on my ipod) and am trying to stay on the natural/creative side of things. Stay away from characters, TV related, etc.

For Winter, I want to get one of those wooden activity cubes with a bead maze...mostly because G still loves bead mazes, so know they will both enjoy it. And then probably some wooden teething toys from Etsy. 9 month olds don't need much right?

The other day Grey got very excited when I mentioned Christmas. Not because he knows presents are coming, but because he wants to bake Christmas cookies and make decorations! Hopefully we can continue this trend for a few more years (or even longer).

November 5th 2010 - A conversation with Greyson

2010-11-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

A conversation with Greyson.

G: Mom do you remember when we were at home and I said I wanted Winter? And she came out of your tummy? (pause) and she was beautiful.

Me: Awwe (starts crying)

G: Mommy, why are you crying?

Me: Because you're so sweet.

G: I'm not sweet. Im a boy.

Me: Then what are you?

G: Boys are Brave, like kings. and Winter us a princess. and you are a princess and daddy is a king because he is a man.

Me: *dies laughing*

October 29th 2010 - Grey's School Conference

2010-10-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

We had Greyson's school conference a couple weeks ago. It went well. This year has been different for him so far, because his little BFF Cannon is not at his school anymore. His teacher said that he plays well with all kinds of kids, boys and girls. We talked about Grey learning to read. His teacher says he is right on track and learning naturally. We just need to keep reading to him, keep up the enthusiasm and support and that it will all fall into place.

Over all it was a good (but short) conference.

He is drawing more and more in school and working on other art projects. Its always fun to see what he has in his cubby after school. :)

Some recent handy work (not all from school)

October 29th 2010 - 6 month stats

2010-10-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Winnie's Six Month Stats:

length: 26 inches
Weight: 16lbs 7oz

Two teeth working their way up.

October 28th 2010 - WinterRose is 6 months old

2010-10-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

WinterRose is 6 months old today. Half a year.

When I think back on the time that we have had together I am elated by how far we have come. I started out feeling like I didn't love my baby. I hated breastfeeding and I found myself in a depression the depths of which I have never seen. I called upon my friends, asking them how they felt in those first few weeks as a mama of two. I felt so lost and felt like I would never be happy again.

Truth be told, breastfeeding is what saved me. My mom didn't understand why I went through the struggle. Breastfeeding was the one thing tying me to this child that I didn't know or understand. I felt like without it, I could get a can of formula, a bottle and pass her off to anyone and never ask for her back. Anyone could change her diaper or rock her or take her for a walk. Breastfeeding is the one thing that only I could do for her. I needed a lot of support to get through it, but we made it!

Now, everyday I look at my daughter in awe and wonder. When I am away from her and feel my body fill up for her, I can't wait to get back to her. Not just to feed her and relieve engorgement, but for the connection. The little mmm mmm mmm noises that she makes. The way she kneads at me like a kitten.

At six months, Winnie is sitting up on her own and working on her pincer grasp. She's no where near sleeping through the night. She takes two to three naps a day and spends a lot of time in the Beco. She adores her big brother and loves getting tummy tickles.

I love this little girl. Though our beginning was a struggle it got us to where we are today and makes me appreciate the love I have for her even more.

October 5th 2010 - WinterRose is 5 months old

2010-10-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Winter is 5 months old! Getting so big! And of course, Grey is still 4 years old :)

October 2nd 2010 -

2010-10-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

Winter recently started trying to self soothe by pushing her feet against my leg and "bouncing" (while laying down). Another "totally opposite of Grey" trait to add to the growing list.

She is also crying every night before sleep. Not alone. Not in her crib. With me. She wont want to nurse or be rocked or have her paci. She just cries. Teri (my Doula) has suggested reflux or silent reflux. She does spit up quite a bit. But I also wonder if maybe she is one of these kids who just needs to let off some steam before falling asleep? So I have taken to laying with her. Rubbing her back while she cries. Then eventually she will nurse for like, TWO minutes and be out like a light.

She has also began tummy sleeping. It is her preferred position that she gets into after nursing. I think she is sleeping better this way as well.

Grey, while loud and full of energy, is also a little love bug. He had a fever of 103 on Friday, which went down with Tylenol and never came back. Totally random. He did tie dye at school last week and his shirt turned out really cool. I love all of the positive feedback that I get about him from school. He is so caring and sensitive. His little "best friend" Cannon has moved to a new school. We have play dates, which is great...I think not having him at school anymore is a good thing for Grey. They were really attached to eachother. Without Cannon, Grey has branched out more, made new friends, has really gotten to know some of the other kids. Unfortunately, when I ask him about school and who he had fun playing with, what they did, etc...his answer is always, "Nothing, we didn't play nothing. No more talking Mom." *sigh* He's a teenager in a 4 year olds body.

One of the mom's told me other day that her daughter was saying she only likes to play with the girls. And the only boys she likes are her daddy, her brothers...and Greyson! Hehehe, I guess he is quite the charmer.

The photos to the right are some random photos from my mobile.

October 1st 2010. Breastfeeding check in.

2010-10-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

I've been breatfeeding for over 5 months now. Even if I wanted to become a full time bottle feeder now, I don't think I would know how.

She doesn't eat much during the day. Every 4 hours or so. Or a short comfort session when she is tired. She is eating more at night... I guess you could say she is reverse cycling. As long as she is latching and eating, I don't mind. Nights when she is nursing and fussing and nursing and fussing over and over, I'm not a fan of.

I've cut brocolli and beans out if my diet. She is sleeping better as a result.

I can't belive that in a few weeks I will have reached my 3rd breastfeeding goal, 6 months (the others were 6 weeks & 3 months). I'd say my next goal is 1 year but at this point it seems redundant to even make it a "goal". It's just an inevitability.

I'm so glad that I made it past those first few weeks when I wanted to quit. I wish i had been strong enough 4 years ago to fight for my breastfeeding relationship with Grey. I'm so thankful for my breastfeeding friends who pushed me through the first few weeks. And my nonbreastfeeding friends who have been so supportive. And all my friends who've had to see so much more of my boobs than they could have ever cared too.

My little Pigorilla

September 25th 2010 - Grey News

2010-09-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

Greyson has started the process of learning to read. It's happening all on his own timeline. No pushing from me. Just a sudden interest in knowing what sounds the letters make and which letters words start with. It's so adorable. Everything is, "Ball starts with Buh-Buh-Buh-B" or "Daddy starts with Duh-Duh-Duh-D!"

I try to use encouraging statements rather than just "Oh you're so smart!" Such as, "wow, you've really been practicing!" "You're doing such a great job on the letter sounds!" "You'll be reading in no time!"

I also try to be encouraging when correcting him. If he is trying to figure out a letter but gets it wrong I say, "It's ok, just you need a practice a little more." Then next time when he gets it right he says, "I've been practicing!" I've been using "You just need to practice" for a LOT of things as he gets discouraged by not being able to do something properly right away. Like spinning a top or cutting out a shape.

Last night we were in the back yard and he says, "Backyard starts with B!" I said, "Yup, Good job buddy." and he says, "I'm startin' to learn how to read!"

When I though about eventually teaching my children to read, I never imagined that it would be such a relaxed and joyous process. We have flashcard and workbooks, but neither are tools that I push on him. They are here and if he wants to play with them he can. Watching the evolution is amazing and even more amazing is seeing how excited he is about it.

The other big accomplishment from Grey is that he can snap his fingers. He is SO OVER THE TOP excited about this! He was snapping his fingers this morning and said, "I can't wait to show my friends at school!" Then, not only did he show his friends, but he also showed some other moms and his teachers. He just thinks it is THE coolest thing.

September 20th 2010 - Soda is a gateway drug

2010-09-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Soda is a gateway drug.

It started as just a can or 2 week. Just away to relieve some stress. No big deal right?

Before I knew it I was up to 3 cans a day. Baby cried, I want soda. Husband makes me mad, I want a soda. Somedays I even went for the one liter bottle. And we aren't talking diet here. Nothing but full on HFCS for me. My mom expressed concern, but I assured her I had it under control.

But then a couple weeks ago, the soda just wasn't enough for me anymore. I was fiending for something with a little more kick. I decided to try a milkshake. The high was great, but coming down was awful! Shameful.

I spiraled so quickly. I'd get a milk shake and make sure to drink it before I got home so I wouldn't get judged. Sometimes I even got fries...Fries and a shake, a deadly combo known on the streets as a "grease ball."

How did I get so out of control so quickly?

I stepped on the scale today. I have gained 8 pounds. The "I'm a nursing mom and need the calories." excuse just isn't cutting it.

I'm staging my own intervention. It's time to kick the habit.

September 9th 2010 - happy

2010-09-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Things that make me happy:

~ Post nap nursing sessions

~ Grey and Winter holding hands while I am driving.

~ Grey and Winter holding hands while sleeping.

~ The kiddo beat boxing

~ Watching Prison Break with Benny.

~ Coffee dates with friends while G is at school.

~ How Winter smiles when I kiss her.

~ How Winter smiles at her brother.

~ That at 4 months old Winter already recognizes and gives love.

~ Watching Grey's creative little mind work

~ The fact that Grey loves school and loves his teachers

~ Listening to Grey sing along to Coldplay

~ My mom. Her relationship with Grey. and of course all she does for us. And her company in general.

~ The fact that my mom will listen to me cry and vent and really just LISTEN, without trying to fix.

~ this face

September 7th 2010 - baker beach

2010-09-07T10:50:00.001-07:00

Ben's Uncle Chris and his fiance Tammy were in town this weekend. We all headed out to Baker Beach in SF to check out the Golden Gate Bridge and have a relaxing time. Grey had a blast playing with Uncle Chris in the sand and running on the beach. He took an instant liking to Tim and Tammy when he met them on Saturday. They are just natural kid people.

A few pictures.

My two baldies :)

September 1st 2010 - The Family Jeans

2010-09-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Nearly 63 years ago the Levi Strauss company made their first pair of baby jeans. My great-grandfather saw them on a display in San Francisco and HAD to have them for his soon to be born first granddaughter (My Aunt Deloise). They weren't even for sale, but he insisted on buying them. Every baby who has been born in our family since then has worn these jeans. That includes my mom, me, my sister Erin and Greyson. If I have counted correctly, WinterRose is the 27th baby to wear the first pair of baby Levi's ever. And here they are!

To see Greyson in the Family Jeans, click here.

September 1st 2010 - 4 month photos

2010-09-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

Winter Rose is 4 months old!

She was all business. Miss Serious.

And my silly goose boy

4 month stats

2010-08-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

Winter had her 4 month well baby check up last week.

She's basically perfect. :D Her pedi seemed shocked at how strong she is.

She weighed in at 13lbs 10.5oz (50th percentile)
Her length is 25 inches (80th percentile)

and is as healthy as healthy can be. Well, she has a cold, but aside from that...

August 30th 2010

2010-08-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

With Greyson, we didn't start solids until close to 9 months. Scratch that, we tried at 6 months, despite his total lack of interest. Little did I know that his lack of interest coincided with his tummy's lack of readiness.

I assumed that we would delay solids with Winnie as well. Heck, I am the mama on the boards who is always telling other moms that it is ok to delay when they don't think their child is ready.

By now, you would think that I would be used to Winter being the opposite of Grey in every way. But once again, I was shocked that she has shown so much interest in what we are eating. So when her pedi said it was ok to try rice cereal, I decided to give it a shot. I actually kind of thought she wouldn't like it and we would put it away, mark it in the calendar as a solid foods fail and then wait a couple months and try avocado.

You would think we were starving this kid! No yucky face. No turning the head away. She wanted it bad. If I stopped feeding her, she got angry.

So I guess it was a solid food win? So far her tummy seems to be handling it well. She's been happy since then. No sign of discomfort.

They say, "Every child is different." Winnie is determined to prove this to be very very true. She definitely makes me feel like a new mom in so many ways. I'm guessing we'll just give her rice cereal once in a while until she is ready for avocado.

August 21st 2010

2010-08-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight I laid in bed with Grey. He asked if he was ever going to see daddy again. I told him very soon and held him while he cried. "Just a few tears." he said. I told him it was ok to be sad and to let it out.When I started to cry as well he said that he didn't want me to cry. It was his turn. Such a wise little man. He was so right, it was his turn. and it was healing.

We talked about all of the fun things we get to do when we see daddy again. Like show him how much the sunflowers and cantaloupe have grown since he has been gone. Show him the airplane that he painted. Give him lots of hugs. I didn't tell him that daddy would be back tomorrow because I don't want him to think that he would be here when he woke up. It wont be until later in the day, but I am so so so excited to see Grey seeing his daddy.

August 17th 2010

2010-08-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

3 days into limiting G's screen time.

It's totally working! He understands the limit. When he asks when he can watch TV again and I tell him tomorrow, he gets it! Very minimal begging or whining.

Of course, my mom and I are going a little nuts. Mom says he is just like I was at that age. Mommy look at me! Mommy do this with me! Mommy, mommy, mommy!

My patience is thin, but at least I don't feel like I am harming him developmentally anymore. I just hope there is no permanent damage.

August 15th 2010 - Tuning out.

2010-08-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

In March of 2009 I wrote about unplugging the TV and weaning Grey from media. Not because I am totally anti media, but because he was obsessed.

I am at this place again. To say that I have relied on Nick Jr and Sprout to occupy Grey's time while I have tried to navigate this journey as a mother of two, would be an understatement. Partly it has been that he gets obsessed and will ask to watch TV and when I say "No", the whining starts. And rather than engaging in another activity, he will bug me and bug me and bug me. I am consistent in that I keep saying no, that time. But sometimes, when I know that the whining will happen if I say no, it has just been easier to say yes.

This is so so far off base from my values as a mother and how I feel about TV and time spent watching it. Having Winter tipped my world upside down. This has been SO hard. and I lost myself! The whole "too much TV" thing has been eating at me for a couple of weeks now. As things have been getting a bit easier with Winnie, I have been thinking that I need to make a huge effort to have G watch less TV, spend more time outside. More time playing creatively. Then I read a post on Momioso about preserving childhood. This post just gave me that extra push to make the changes that I want to make. Not just with TV, but with eating better (i haven't been cooking!), with playing more, with spending less time at the computer myself.

Last time I weaned G from TV I just unplugged it and told him it was broken. This time I am taking a different approach. For one thing, he is too smart for that now. He would just bug me to get the TV fixed. And also, I want this to be a lesson in balance.

I am allowing him to only watch a certain number of shows a day. I write the numbers on a piece of paper, cross them off after each show. Once the numbers are all crossed off he can't watch any more TV that day. Most of the shows he likes are 15 to 20 minutes long so I am allowing 4 shows. I stuck with the plan. Even though he used up all 4 shows at 2pm. And then wanted to watch more TV after dinner. And it sucked for me. He whined, he begged, he tried to bargain. But I MUST stick with it. I must be consistent.

Instead of watching TV, I helped him make lemonaide with a little citrus juicer that I got for him. He also played outside while I fixed dinner (yes I cooked!). Hopefully, if I can be consistent, the whining will fade.

August 12th 2010

2010-08-12T23:44:00.000-07:00

I think she is done with the swaddle.

August 6th 2010 - Fabulous Sleep

2010-08-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

Maybe part of the reason I am feeling so good today is because I got a good amount of sleep last night.

I followed the same routine. Baby in bassinet. Up to feed, then back in bassinet. The one time I nursed her in bed (5am wake up) she nursed for 20 minutes and then wiggled and squirmed and suckled and squirmed and fussed and suckled...for an hour.

There has been this little part of me that wonders if deep down inside the reason I want her in her bassinet is because of our rocky start. If subconsciously I am pushing her away because I didn't feel bonded to her.

But, the evidence is clear. She sleeps better, more soundly, away from me. And because she isn't suckling and squirming and fussing next to me, I sleep better. Of course, I don't have the ease of just rolling over and feeding her, but I also don't have the burden of being awake allll night long.

I think it was my friend Rebecca who once said (years ago) that Mother does not = martyr. I hold my baby 10 to 12 hours a day (really, the swing induces crying. I hardly ever put her down. Or my mom holds her). I nurse her on demand. Just because co-sleeping worked with Grey, doesn't mean it has to work with Winter. It doesn't mean I wont respond to her when she needs me. It doesn't mean I am going to have her CIO. It just means that she sleeps better in her own space. And just as I had to work to let go of the guilt of once a day supplimenting, I have to let go of the feeling that I am doing something WRONG by not co-sleeping with Winter.

I went back to the Dr Sears website today to re-read the 7 B's of AP.

THIS made me feel so much better.

"Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family."

We've got 6 of the 7 B's going for us (as we did with Grey, but switch BFing and Bedding Close). I think we're going to be alright.

Why am I such a worry wart?

August 6th 2010 - Today is the day

2010-08-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day in 3 months, 1 week and 2 days that I have not thought about quitting breastfeeding.

It's also the day that I decided to let go of the guilt and to stop being so apologetic about supplementing occasionally. There are a lot of mom's out there who look down on this choice. Who would like me to believe I am poisoning my baby. Who think they are a better mom than I am because they breastfeed 5% more than I do. I have decided to no longer take the judgement of a bunch of strangers to heart. They dont' know me. They don't know my history. They don't know my struggles. Why should I let them make me feel like a failure for giving baby girl 1 bottle a day? Instead, I choose to be *proud* of the 10 other feedings a day that take place at my breast.

Today is also the day that I have been happiest as Winter's mother.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

August 4th 2010 - Operation cure the all night comfort sucking

2010-08-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

Again, thank you to everyone for the advice. I'm definitely keeping the ideas of reflux and other things that were mentioned in my head. Here is my update about last night.

I decided that rather than bringing Winnie to bed with me upon her first wake up, I would get up and nurse her in the glider and then put her back down when she was good and asleep.

This seemed to work! Granted, she woke up every one and a half hours after being put down, but it did give my nipples a break. She would nurse for about 20 minutes (10 mins each side) and I would rock her for about 10 minutes to make sure she was really asleep. I brought her to bed at her 4am wake up and she did nurse for the 3 hours until we got up. So my suspicion stands, that it is the close proximity to the boob that makes her want to suckle.

I am more tired today than I have been. I wonder if laying in bed not sleeping is more restful than being woken up from sleep and getting up to nurse. I was really really tempted to give her a bottle at her 2am waking in the hopes of getting a little bit longer of a sleep out of her. But I didn't.

*yawn* This too shall pass.

August 2nd 2010 - THANK YOU!

2010-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who gave advice yesterday, both in my blog comments and on facebook.

I'm happy to say that aside from the 1 bottle that she normally has around bedtime, she had no other bottles today. The one screamfest she had was from being tired. She also had 1 hour long nap, 1 cat nap, 1 two hour nap and then another cat nap before bed. MUCH better than the day before. The times she was awake she was very happy and cute.

For the first time in quite a while I actually some what paid attention to how many times she nursed today. It was (roughly) 3am (then comfort nursing until morning, ugh), 8am, 10:30ish (then nap), a snack at 12:45 (she fell asleep again), 2pm (another sleep), 4:30pm, 6pm, 8pm. So about every 2 hours. Sometimes with a quick snack in between? This is just me trying to recall at the end of the day. Tomorrow I will actually pay attention and maybe even use my nifty baby tracking app on my ipod.

And now, it is off to bed. If her pattern remains, I have 3 to 4 hours to catch some Z's before she wakes.

August 1st 2010 - 3 month breastfeeding check in

2010-08-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

When I first started breastfeeding I thought I wouldn't last 3 weeks, let alone 3 months. But here I am. I'm in the mindset of, "If I made it 3 months, I can make it 6. And if I make it 6, I can totally go a year. And if we make it to a year, we might as well keep going and let her self wean."

I feel like she is getting more efficient with her feeds. I would say eating from both sides takes about 25 minutes. Not too bad. No time at all compared to in the beginning.

We are mostly weaned from the nipple shield now. Though, without it her latch tends to feel a bit shallow at times. We're working on it.

I'm starting to be able to figure out a little that it isn't ALWAYS boobie that she wants. She hates being wet, so a diaper change is my first go to when she fusses. Next would be trying to feed. I've found that if she will latch, suck for a few seconds and then fuss, she is usually tired. She would actually prefer to suckle a pacifier and be rocked or jiggled hard than to nurse down to sleep. I don't know if I should be happy or sad about this. I wonder if she will end up self weaning sooner because she doesn't comfort suck (except for in the middle of the night).

We do have our moments. I would love to be able to say we are exclusively breastfeeding, but we aren't. And if anyone has advice, I am open for it. Here is our issue. There are times that nothing works to calm her. She doesn't need to potty, doesn't need a change. WONT NURSE and wont let me rock her to sleep. She isn't just fussing she is SCREAMING. And I end up giving her a bottle, which calms her and then she is happy. I hold off on getting that bottle for as long as I can. I keep trying over and over to get her to nurse. I try to stay calm to project calmness to her. I know she is getting milk from me when she sucks for the few seconds she does (I see it spill out of her mouth as she opens to scream some more). My fear is that I will have more of these moments through out the day, which will lead to more bottles and less breastfeeding. I really don't want that to happen. I already know Mariana is going to tell me throw out all the bottles. I'm really scared she'd starve in that case!

August 1st 2010 - Winter's 3 month shoot

2010-08-01T18:37:00.001-07:00

WinterRose is 3 months old!

July 30th 2010 - sleep arrangements

2010-07-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

When I became pregnant with Grey, the first thing I did was to run out and buy a crib. At the time, I had never even heard of co-sleeping. Little did I know, my Bug would hate the swaddle and would sleep nowhere but on me or in a swing. I was nervous about co-sleeping at first but grew to LOVE it. By 12 months, we had sold the crib and Grey eventually moved to his big boy bed.

When I was pregnant with Winter, I assumed we would co-sleep again. That she would love it. I would love it.

Just as with all of my preconceived notions regarding Winter, BOY OH BOY was I wrong.

We did buy an arms reach co-sleeper, so that she would have her own space when Grey entered our bed. Magically, she loves being swaddled. And around 8 weeks old Ben started putting her down in her co-sleeper while I put Grey to bed. What did we find? She would sleep for 4 to 5 hours! If she was laying next to me, she would be restless and comfort nursing all night. In the bassinet, she doesn't even want a pacifier.

We know that at some point, she will reach a limit, whether developmentally or weight wise where it is no longer safe for her to sleep in the bassinet. Which means we are considering getting a crib. And because our room is so small, that means the crib will be in the kid's room...

This is so strange to me! I can't help but feel a bit of that good ol' mommy guilt. Wondering if Winnie and I will have as great a bond that Grey and I do if we don't co-sleep. Will I regret putting her in a crib? When I was co-sleeping with Grey (which we still do usually half the night!) the thought of a little baby in a crib in another room made me soooo sad! Will I still feel that way about my own baby? I would never ever look at a family whose children sleep in cribs and think they were abusive for having crib sleepers. So why oh why do I feel like having Winnie sleep apart from me is such a terrible, guilt inducing thing?! I'm not forcing her to sleep there against her will. I'm not sleep training or doing CIO.

I think I am going to wait to buy a crib until Winnie is at the limit on her co-sleeper and then reevaluate. Maybe she'll be sleeping better in my bed by then, who knows. I DO know that if we buy a crib and end up not using it, Ben will be very unhappy, so I want to be very sure that this is the sleep arrangement we will be going with before making a purchase.

It's also amazing how much more important sleep and routine are to me this time around. With Grey being in school, it becomes important! We had no bedtime routine for him until January of this year. Winter at 2 months already had somewhat of a routine, based around her brother's routine and her natural sleepy time... Which luckily, is generally about 15-30 minutes before I start Grey's bed time routine (bath, books, snuggles, sleep). I was so into our non-routine lives, not being held down by a bed time. Very lucky to have an easily adaptable child. Having a routine now almost makes me feel like I am a hypocrite. I beat myself up over this. I have to remind myself that things change. Having a second child. Having a child start school. Getting older. Things change and what works changes.

I really need to learn to give myself a break.

July 30 2010 - Rollin'

2010-07-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

July 30th 2010 - Baby girl is rolling back to front.

July 25th 2010 - A Greyson Funny

2010-07-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

There was a Marc Jacobs bag sitting on the dresser.

Grey read off the letters.

"M-A-R-C-J-A-C-O-B-S....That spells Bag!"

Hehehehe!

And another quote, "It's cold at the darkside."

July 24th 2010 - Quote of the night

2010-07-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

"Naked is my favourite clothes."

--Greyson, pleading his case for sleeping naked.

I'm trying to get him to put on at least put on underpants.

Oh!

And last night my mom said to him (as he walked away naked) "I love your butt."

He said, "I know, mom does too."

I do love that butt. I've loved it since it was poking out of my belly through my 3rd trimester. All I could think of was getting my hands on that little booty. I still can't get enough of it.

July 21st 2010 - 12 weeks old

2010-07-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

WinterRose is 12 weeeks old today.

The first 6 weeks of her life seemed excruciatingly long.

The second 6 weeks have flown by.

Despite all of the stuff we've been through. PPD, Breastfeeding woes.

I continue to grow to love Winnie more and more each day.

I no longer want to give her away.

Breastfeeding is not as hard now but I still have hang ups about whether she is getting enough from me. She still gets a bottle each night...and I'm ok with that.

I'm learning more and more about her each day.

If she had more core strength she'd be ready for a hip carry.

The only thing she has tried to reach out for so far is her brother. Who she adores! I wish Grey didn't run away anytime I pulled out the camera. This is the only crappy shot I could get before he ran off. My camera was set to the manual settings that I had been shooting at outside a few days ago. Obviously not ready for indoor and he was outta there before I could adjust :(

Mentally I am doing well. My counselor was such a huge help. Just talking out everything that was on my mind. The thing that brough me down the most was the fear that I'd never be happy again. Once I realized that even with sadness, I did have happiness, I didn't get into that negative thought spiral. So while I do still get down at times, I don't get AS down and I get back up much easier.

My biggest point of sadness right now is that I miss my husband. I am so lucky to have my mom here while he is gone, but it doesn't change that I miss the heck out him. 5 weeks is so long. and he is only home for about 20 days before leaving again for another MONTH. But, we'll get through it, like we always do. Fueled by love and text messages.

July 14th 2010 - A Fun Day!

2010-07-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today we had a great fun day. This morning, my mom and I took the kiddos to see Great Grandpa Barney. I love seeing him hold Wintr. And he was doing better today than I have seen him in a long long time!

After Grandpa's, Ben and I surprised Grey with a trip to Fairyland to celebrate his birthday early since Ben will be gone on the 31st. We got a piece of cake, some candles, and Grey's "big birthday present"...A Tag Reader. We had a fun time. Winter nursed the entire time we were there (*sigh*), but Grey loved all the rides and the puppet show. Daddy also made a yummy picnic.

Now we are home relaxing. Ben has his usual pre-tour cold, so he is resting in bed. We have an hour and a half until kiddo's bedtime...hoping that goes smoothly. A day and a half until Benny leaves. :(

July 13th 2010 - Random Cuteness

2010-07-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

Grey's favourite song is Needle in the Hay, by Elliot Smith. I can't until he is 15 to tell him that his favourite song at the age of 4 was about heroin.

He also loves songs that have the words Heart Break in them. or Break my/your Heart. The two he likes most are Regina Spektor's "Fidelity" and Taio Cruz's "Break Your Heart". He thinks that Regina is the mommy and Taio is the daddy and they are both singing about heart break.

...
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The other day Grey pooped by himself in the bathroom. When he came out I asked how it went, he said, "Good and stinky!"

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Greyson learned to write his name a couple weeks ago. He is very proud of himself.

He is also learning some simple math and learning to spell some simple words. I wish I could say that I was helping him a lot with that or that it was my good influence. I had tried to get him engaged in learning to draw letters and such but he wasn't interested when I helped him. Ultimately it was an Iphone app Kindergarten game that got him interested.

I love seeing him use those math skills in real world application. So cute.

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Ben is having fun watching old Sesame Street segments with Grey and thus reliving his own childhood. Their favourite is the Pinball Numbers song.

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Grey has memorized Ben's phone number in case of emergency.

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Greyson loves the Where's Waldo Books. Ben recently got him book 5 and it is SUPER hard!

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He was really excited to pick our first ripe tomatoes

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In a couple weeks, Grey will be FOUR YEARS OLD! This is a hard one for me. I'm feeling really emotional about it. Four seems so old. I fear that July 31st will come around and he will no longer be my snuggle bug little innocent kiddo. Three was such a great year for us. His growth and development. Tantrums were few and far between. We found a groove with each other and being his mom became SO EASY. And joyous. Greyson has made me smile so much this past year. And especially the past two months. While dealing with hormones and a new baby...I could feel as anxious as could be, and all I would need was a few minutes alone with Greyson and some hugs from him and I would be instantly calmed. I feared that our bond would be hurt or lost with the arrival of Winter, but I made a very conscious to spend some time alone with him each day and have been lucky that we have found a routine to make this possible. This isn't to say we haven't had our challenges. He likes TV TOO much. He doesn't always want to do the things I ask him to do. He is a normal 3 year old after all, but the good has definitely outweighed any bad.

July 12th 2010 - Summer Fashion Week

2010-07-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

I may or may not participate in Summer Fashion Week over at Moms Are for Everyone. I don't think I have enough cute clothing to even make it worth it! I've pretty much been living in black tank dresses lately...

July 12th 2010 - Post Partum Depression update

2010-07-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

Oh hey guys!!! Guess what...It's a been a good week. :)

I've been feeling good. This positive self talk has been amazing for me. I've been keeping myself and the kids busy this week. I've learned a lot about my daughter this week and had more realizations. For instance, I finally let go of the idea that Winter would be just like Grey was when he was a baby. She is her own person. Even at 2 months old she has different "interests". She likes to be held like a sack of potatoes. She likes to walk around outside in the evening. She doesn’t like the swing or the car. She likes to be swaddled and sleeps best in her own space. She is the exact opposite of her brother. I need to try to figure HER out and stop feeling like a bad mommy because what worked for Grey in the early days does not work for her.

Since learning that she sleeps better in her own space, our nights have gotten easier. Grey never liked being swaddled, she does. So once she is swaddled and fed, she sleeps peacefully in her co-sleeper. Of course, with G we bought a crib that was never used. For Winnie we haven't bought a crib and might end up needing one. We shall see.

Of course, as soon as I write the above, baby girl starts fussing and the Bug runs in from his room needing cuddles. Oh well, can't have a great night every night when you've got 2 little ones.

July 8th 2010 - 2 months old

2010-07-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

Winter is 2 months old!

And at the end of the month, Grey will be FOUR!

July 6th 2010

2010-07-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

I can't help but wonder sometimes if I would feel closer to my daughter if I weren't breastfeeding.

The good news is that I no longer feel like giving her away. I do love her now, but still feel disconnected.

Breastfeeding while fighting PPD is definately one of the top 3 hardest things I've ever done in my life.

I haven't had a real cry in over a week.

July 5th 2010

2010-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Winnie is refusing the nipple shield more and more, but her latch is so shallow and crappy that she gets frustrated. I've read that a shallow latch is like drinking through a pinched straw.

Sometimes she is so frantic and all over the place that she'll latch to the side of my boob and give me a hickey.

I still think about quitting at least once a day. But then I think, "I've made it 9 weeks, I can keep going."

There are a couple of nursing sessions during the day that I do enjoy. In the morning. And early afternoon. When she is satisfied. But the evening sessions, where she is frustrated and insatiable... Are frustrating and feel more than unsatisfying. They feel like little failures everyday. This time makes me want to quit. Or to give in part time nursing. And honestly, at this point, I think the only reason I haven't is the fear of being judged. and the promise that at some point, all of this should get easier.

She is at her most content with daddy, after their nightly bottle feeding. It hurts to admit, but I admit it because it is the truth. This is my favourite part of the day. Daddy and Winter time means that it is mommy and Greyson snuggle time. This is the time that is easy. Where my battery recharges. Where my mind is at ease.

I've come to realize over the last few days, how very different Winter and Grey were as babies. Grey was content to swing in his swing and could always be lulled by a car ride. Winter, not to much. It might not be that she is harder to keep happy, so much as I am still figuring her out. One thing I'm learning is that I have to be less hard on myself. Winter crying in the car is not a reflection of my parenting. Even giving her a bottle of formula each day doesn't make me a terrible mama. It just feels like it sometimes.

July 5th 2010 - thrush

2010-07-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

I am officially adding "treating thrush" to the list of things that was waaay easier with a bottle fed baby.

July 2nd 2010

2010-07-02T17:07:00.001-07:00

Last week when I wrote, I had just started taking Zoloft.

This week as I write, I am no longer taking Zoloft.

I didn't like how it made me feel. Foggy headed, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, dry mouth. But mostly, because of the bad reaction i had to paxil when I was 18, I was extremely anxious the entire time. I was constantly aware of every sensation in my body, waiting for "that feeling" to begin. On Monday I had a full blown panic attack. All day on Tuesday I questioned if staying on the medication was the right thing to do. I decided on Wednesday morning, that it wasn't.

Here are some realizations I have had.

1: I didn't exactly try to hard to better myself in more natural ways before jumping to medication. I was eating terribly. Sometimes I don't even eat until 3pm! I hardly drink water. I wasn't exercising. If I felt sad, I allowed myself to wallow instead of finding something that makes me happy. I hadn't been taking my prenatal vitamins. I decided I would like to try all of these things before resorting to medication. I know there is a time and place for medication and I feel that for me that time and place has to be much more severe. I also realized that my happy moments were out weighing the sad ones. Why should I take medication to make me happy, when I am naturally happy more than 50% of the time?

2: I am exhausted. I have a 2 month old. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to feel down when you are tired.

3: My husband is leaving for 6 weeks. This SUCKS. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to feel shitty about this fact. Was my reaction when he left last week twice as bad as it usually is? YES...but guess what, I have twice as many kids and half as much sleep. AND, I got through it. I got my ass out of bed, took Grey to school and had a pretty darned OK day the next day. The hardest part of my day was worrying about my reaction the day before!

4: I do always feel happier at some point. When these depressive moments started happening, I would remark to my mom that I felt like I was never going to be happy again. Then, I would be! NOW when these moments come, I can remind myself that I am going to be happy again. I have ups and downs.

That isn't to say that I am "cured" of my PPD. But I think I am learning to handle it better. Of course, when I start to feel down I do tend to worry, "What if this is the time that I spiral out of control and end up in bed for a week straight." But I am also getting better at telling myself that this isn't going to happen. I can't let my own fears take over. Positive self talk has been amazing these past few days. I have noticed that around 3pm to 6pm I start to feel down. I am super tired. Then dinner happens and I start to feel better. From dinner time until bedtime there is a predictable routine. You've all read how bad I am with routine, but for now our routine is keeping me grounded. It makes me happy. So now, when 3pm rolls around and I am feeling sad, instead of feeling like i'll never be better again, I just acknowledge that I feel this way at this time of day and that I will feel better later. And that mostly, I am TIRED!

I am trying to be really positive about Ben leaving. Be happy for him and the amazing opportunities he is having. Of course i'll be sad, maybe i'll even feel like my world is crumbling, but I am determined to look at the time I will have with my mom as a really fun time for us.

And of course, the most important...the mommy motto, "This too shall pass." It's so easy when it is hard to think that it will be like this forever. Winter is growing each day and I know it WILL get easier. Eventually, I will get more sleep. For now, I feel happy and hopefully.

June 26th 2010

2010-06-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

This morning Grey started writing letters.

This afternoon he learned how to write his name.

June 25th 2010 - PPD

2010-06-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

Last time I wrote about PPD I was about to go see my doctor about my mood.

NP Ginsburg agreed that I sounded down and got me an appointment with a counselor for the very next day. She also prescribed Zoloft for me.

The next day I saw the counselor. Talking to her made me feel a bit better. We talked about a plan. Just having a plan in place made me feel good. We assessed my depression. Assigned it a number on a scale of 1 to 10. At my worst, I felt like it had been about a 6. The plan was that if it got to a 6 level again and if I felt I needed it, I would start taking the Zoloft (which would then take a few weeks to build up in my system).

That was two weeks ago. I've had my ups and downs. Then Ben left. He's only gone for a few days, but I felt like my world was crumbling. It wasn't even that I felt overwhelmed with two kids. I felt very lonely. Abandoned. THIS was not ME. Of course, I'm always sad when Ben leaves. But this was an epic meltdown. This made me realize that me having PPD was real. It fluctuates. Some days are better than others but overall it is effecting my ability to cope with the days that aren't so great.

A few months ago, I wrote that the rain doesn't get me down like it used to, because Greyson is my own personal sunshine. This is me. And this is who I want to get back to. I miss her. Ben misses her. I'm sure Grey and my mom miss her too.

So yesterday I opened a bottle of light blue oblong pills, with the hope that they'll be able to bring back the happier, more connected, positive Kelly. I hope to never feel this amount of gloom again.

June 25th 2010

2010-06-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today I had the breastfeeding moment I have been waiting for.

Bright, happy eyes staring up at me, suckling away, and then a huge smile. Nipple still in mouth, smiling up at me. Just a small reward for all of our effort.

June 15th 2010 - Spelling

2010-06-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

Grey has known the alphabet pretty much since he started talking. Can recognize letters. Loves being read to. But when it came to working on drawing the letters or sounding out words, he didn't have any interest. We didn't push it, knowing he would come to it in his own time.

Just this last week he started asking about how to spell words, or what words on boxes and on books read.

One of the words was "Raisins" on his box of....raisins. :) After spelling it for the last few days he can now spell it without seeing the word. The first time he spelled it, he wasn't quite sure about the "S". He started making the sound for it. I could see him thinking. It looked like he was going to say "C" but after thinking for a few seconds and sounding out the word he finally said, "S!" It was awfully cute.

He is also recognizing numbers now. He's been able to count for a long time but didn't have interest in learning what the numbers looked like. Then we bought the game Hickory Dickory Dock, which involves rolling a dice (actually it's in a pop-o-matic bubble) with numbers on it. Suddenly he was recognizing the numbers and now he points them out where ever we go.

Reading and numbers is one of those issues that parents tend to fret over. If kids that are Grey's age are writing their names or reading simple words it is easy to feel like your kid is behind because he isn't doing these things. Even though I know that this is not the truth. Watching G take interest in spelling and in numbers in his own time is such a relief!

June 8th 2010 - 6 WEEKS!

2010-06-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Winter will be 6 weeks old.

I'm still breastfeeding. And although we haven't had any weight checks, this girl is getting big so I am not worrying about it. I will admit (and judge if you want, I'm beyond caring at this point) that she does get a bottle of *gasp* formula each night. I am not pumping and a bottle with daddy is the only way I can get my hour with Grey in bed each night. The frequency with which she wants le boobie, is still a LOT. I'm still nursing on demand and still not loving it...However, I'm not loving much of anything at this point.

Tomorrow I am seeing my doctor to talk about postpartum depression. I felt like I was doing really well but then this weekend hit and I am in a funk a mile deep. I don't want to get into all of the feelings and thoughts that I am having, but I will say that they are not normal for me. Of course, the fact that Ben is going to be gone for 5 weeks is on my mind but I don't think that this level of depression is just because of that. I cry off and on all day, over the littlest of things. I am able to take care of my kids, but not as well as I want to. Grey has been allowed to watch more TV, because I just don't have the energy to play with him, or even talk to him sometimes. I feel like my brain gets stuck! This isn't fair to him. I don't want my mental state effecting him, and I feel like it is.

So, that's what is going on with me. I feel so lucky to have my mom here to help and that Ben is so supportive. His, "We'll get through this together." is invaluable. And again, the support and advise from my mommy friends means the world to me.

May 31 2010 - Memorial Day BBQ

2010-05-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

I love how Grey hangs out like he is just one of he guys. :)

May 28th 2010 - 1 month photoshoot

2010-05-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

Winter is ONE MONTH OLD!

And Grey is THREE (as he has been for the last 10 months)...He wanted in on the photo action too :)

May 27th 2010 - Winter's Birth Slide Show

2010-05-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Winter was 4 weeks old. it has taken that long for me to go through the pictures from our birth experience and put together a slideshow. It is hard to edit and work with photos of yourself! Deciding how much you want to share. also trying to piece together a cohesive "story" with photos from several cameras and photographers.

It is finally done. There are photos from 3 different photographers. 1. My good friend Michelle. She is not a professional photographer but is a very enthusiastic hobbiest. 2. My doula, Teri. Again, not a pro, but her photos turned out great. And 3. Ava of Zemya photography, who came out and took some photos later in the day after I had been transferred to my recovery room. Oh and a couple of the photos are ones that I took. So I guess technically there are 4 photographers who contributed.

Music by Renee and Jeremy.

Slide show: The Birth of WinterRose Elizabeth

May 20th 2010

2010-05-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ben: "What is your favourite, guitar, drums or piano"

Grey: "Piano"

Ben: "What is your favourite, drums, piano or guitar?"

Grey: "Guita"

Ben: "What is your favourite, Guitar, piano or drums?"

Grey: "Drums"

Ben: "Ok, what is your favourite musical instrument?"

Grey: "Tuba! trumpet! Saxaphone!"

May 17th 2010 - my little man

2010-05-17T10:59:00.001-07:00

Usually when I put Grey to bed it is our special time alone. We read, look at his stars, snuggle, talk about our day, snuggle. I usually spoon him and that is how he falls asleep.

Last night, daddy was gone. Which meant that at bed time Winter had to be with us. She nursed the whole time. I layed on my back with her and then at one point to turned to my side, facing Grey. Winter was between us, so we held hands. He tried to get as close as he could without crowding her. At one point he fluffed his pillow and said, "I guess i'll do this on my own." It broke my heart a little bit!

Then a few minutes later he asked me to turn over. So I switched sides and repositioned Winter. Then Grey snuggled up to my back and put his arm around me. He was asleep with in minutes.

I was SO proud of him. He didn't cry or put up a fuss or act out. He thought about what he wanted/needed and asked for it.

It's funny, before Winter came, I would often wish for G to fall asleep quickly and would think about weaning him from being parented down to sleep. I know we wont snuggle down to sleep forever, but for now I cherish those snuggles each and every night.

May 15th 2010 - sweet peace

2010-05-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

This week was a bit of a rough week for me. Nothing happened. In hindsight, i can look at my days and see that they were pretty good. Mostly, I'm just dealing with a bit of baby blues.

We had a couple of nights where the pass off to daddy, so that I could put Grey to bed, did not work out so great. They ended abruptly with her crying and not being comforted by daddy. A lot of the suckling that Winnie does is comfort sucking, which most of the day I don't mind, but for that 1 hour at night I wish she could be comforted by her daddy.

I know that a lot of people are against giving pacifiers to such young breastfeeding babies, but we decided to give it a try. And it worked! She lounged peacefully with daddy for the 30 minutes that I layed with Grey AND while I took a shower. Before going to daddy she nursed for 45 minutes and then after I came back she nursed for another 45 minutes before falling asleep for the night. So, I have no pacifier guilt. She can comfort suckle alllll she wants the other 23 hours a day (it's good for building my supply), but from 9:30pm to 10:30pm, my time alone with Grey and in the shower are so essential to me feeling human and not spiraling off the deep end :)

Tomorrow night, Benny is going out to see one of his favourite bands. I'll be on my own for bedtime for the first time! I guess this will be good practice for July when Benny leaves for tour. I'm just going to be positive. It'll be late, Grey will go to bed and then I'll just chill and watch TV with the babe. No big deal right?

May 11th 2010 - Photos

2010-05-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

as requested by Mel, more photos!

attempting a newborn shoot with my own newborn was difficult and frustrating. At 7 days post partum I did not have the energy or patience. In anycase, here is the result.

May 8th 2010 - Life with Winnie - Day 10

2010-05-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

Breastfeeding.

It's going.

One day, I have a great day. I am thankful to be producing milk, thankful I am able to DO THIS.

The next day, I want to quit. I am miserable. I question if Winter is getting enough milk.

So it's off and on. Today, it's on. It was a good day.

The most difficult parts of my day are the cluster feedings. They happen to be around dinner making/eating time, which makes things difficult. I don't feel like cooking in the middle of a 4 hour + feeding session.

Luckily, cluster feeds means she is sleeping pretty well at night. And again, Luckily, I have learned to nurse in bed, laying down. We both just end up back to sleep and I wake up with baby face sleeping on my boob.

The one thing I am not getting out of breastfeeding, which is the *biggest* reason I wanted to breastfeed and the thing I have been dreaming about for the last 3 and half years...is the amazing bonding experience. I know we are only 10 days in to this experience, so maybe it doesn't happen that quickly. I have polled a number of my friends who have breastfed or are currently breastfeeding. Quite a few of them have said that feeding was never the beautiful bonding experience that they expected it to be. Even through 12 to 18 months of nursing. One friend even said that she didn't really connect with her child until after they weaned. This made me sad. And scared me a little. However, despite what my friends have told me about their experiences, I am sticking with it.

Two things I have made a point to do in my day that make me feel much better are:

1. Take a shower.
I don't normally shower every day, but the hot water relaxes me and the 10 to 15 minutes to myself is a lifesaver. I try to time in the evening during one of my 30 minute breaks between night cluster feeding.

2. put Grey to bed.
So far it has worked out each night. again, cluster feeding...I filled the wee one up while the big one is getting ready for bed. Then I hand off to daddy. Bedtime routine with G takes about 30 minutes and i cherish every moment of it.

After G is in bed, Ben and I have been hunkering down in our room, usually watching a movie or two before Bee "conks out for the night". I *think* she is eating every 3 to 4 hours at night, but i'm not positive. I don't take the time over night to push the button on my baby tracker. :)

Asking for help is something that is usually *very* hard for me to do. Showing that I am vulnerable and needy. But through this experience I have needed to hear honest feedback from my breastfeeding or former breastfeeding friends. As hard as it was for me to do, I had to reach out. And thank goodness I did. The support that i have gotten from them has been tremendous. Even if it made me look needy, or whiny or inexperienced...the support and honesty from everyone was well worth it.

I think this will be the last time I write about breastfeeding until I hit the 6 week mark. At this point, I am pretty certain that I WILL make it to 6 weeks and most likely, well past that. Let us just hope that Winnie has made some weight progress at her 2 week well baby visit this week.

May 7th 2010 -

2010-05-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

Ben called Winnie a "little muffin" and Grey looked at Ben and said, "You're a big cupcake!"

Hehehe.

May 6th 2010

2010-05-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

The other day, Ben told Grey the story of the boy who cried wolf. When he was done, Grey said, "daddy, I DID put the birdseed in the fish tank."

The other night in bed with Grey I was scratching at my boob. Grey asked what I was doing and i said, "Just playin' with my boobie." And Grey says, "No...mom! Those aren't toys."

He is still rockin' the bad bad jokes. LOL.

Greyson has done really well so far with welcoming Winter into our lives. He LOVES her. He is constantly kissing her, especially her feet. Always wants to hold her.

He has acted out just a little bit. Not anything major yet. Just a bit of defiance. I think that having the routine of school and his bedtime routine has helped keep some normalcy.

I have made it a point, every night, to spend a little bit of time in Grey's bed with him...ALONE. Even if i can't do the full bedtime routine. Luckily, the last 2 nights I have been able to do the full routine. Watch the stars and snuggle down with G until he is asleep. I really doubt that Grey could care if I did this. He loves snuggling with daddy. But I really need that time with him and am so glad I am able to have it.

May 6th 2010 - Mothers day craft

2010-05-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

The other day at school, Grey and his classmates got to make cookie dough and work on Mother's Day presents. When we dropped him off today, he had this for me :O) You can't really see in the pics but the planter is also decorated. He colored it green and brown.

May 4th 2010 - Day 5 with Winnie

2010-05-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

When I got up on Sunday I was in a really bad place mentally. Sleep wise, I hadn't slept much since the birth, except for dozing off for a few minutes at a time. I was pretty much delirious. I felt trapped. I was hormonal and anxious. The anxiety worsened every time I laid down to try to rest. I didn't feel like breastfeeding was working and i was ready to give up.

Then, that night, I rested. And when I woke up, I was able to reflect on my day and realize it wasn't that bad. The worst of it was my own mental BS and worrying about Ben needing to start working again the next day.

I got a lot of advice from a lot of people. Some said that I should just post up in bed with Winnie and stay skin to skin, let someone else take care of Grey and just focus on breastfeeding. But with the way that I was feeling, I knew that doing that would just make me feel worse. I decided to set some small goals for myself. And if they didn't work out, I wouldn't get upset.

Goal 1: Get dressed! I'd been living in PJs for almost a week and it made me feel gross

Goal 2: Try breastfeeding with out the boppy. I knew it might be difficult and I wasn't going to be disappointed if I wasn't able to it. But guess what?! I WAS.

Goal 3: Breastfeed while standing. Again, it might not work, but I wanted to try. Being able to walk around the house IF I needed to would help me feel less trapped. Again, if I couldn't get it down, no big deal. But guess what?! I DID!

Then, a male friend came over and was out in the front yard. I decided I wanted to say hello, but I was not comfy with him seeing my boobs out. So I threw on my cover and for the first time fed the baby, while standing and using a cover. Oh! Maybe I CAN handle this?! Hunkering down on the couch, with the boppy is much easier and comfortable, but knowing that I can multitask if need be was HUGE for my mental health.

I was able to handle taking care of Grey, by myself. Yes, I spent most of the day feeding Winnie. No, the dishes didn't get put away when I would have liked. and yes, he watched more TV than I normally like... But Grey was fed his lunch. I was able to nurse while slathering him in sunblock so he could run in the sprinklers. I was able to nurse while playing a board game with him. I felt so good in fact that we even went out to dinner. Well, we had planned to, but both kiddos fell asleep on the way to In N Out, so we are in car. I was actually kind of disappointed because I was looking forward to the possibility of my first public nursing session.

At the end of the night, when it was time for Grey to get to bed, I left Winnie with her daddy for a few minutes so that I could snuggle with Grey in his bed. He had me rock him like a baby and sing to him. We talked about our day. And then daddy came in to read books and finish the bedtime routine. Those few minutes alone with Grey were SO needed, probably even more so for ME than for him. This is definitely something we will keep up with, even if it is daddy who has to do the rest of the routine.

I haven't had to supplement in over 48 hours. I am hoping I wont have to. She has been wetting plenty but not pooping as much as they would like. If she doesn't poop today I'll have to call the pedi. I'm trying to not let this discourage me though. I'm just nursing on demand (which seems like around the clock) and hoping that her constant suckling will boost my supply and get her pooping.

Aside from the poop thing and a bout of gassiness last night, yesterday (and so far today) have been pretty great days. Lets hope I have a lot more like them!

May 1st 2010 - WinterRose Day 3

2010-05-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been challenging, to the say the least. Hormones, anxiety, lack of sleep and a bad start to our breastfeeding relationship had left me in a very bad head space. I felt very alone, even though surrounded by people. I vaguely remember this feeling from the early days with Grey and I just keep telling myself that we will get through it!

The hardest part has been the feeding. Winter has a bad latch. To be more specific, she has a bad suck. So she could open nice and wide, get boob in mouth but then didn't know what to do. And would get PISSED.

A bad Lactation Consultant told me yesterday to start supplementing with bottles, but my nipples aren't shaped like bottle nipples! Not even the ones that are supposed to be natural. Luckily, I was able to get in to see a Lactation Consultant today who was great! She gave us a plan which included supplementing when needed, but NOT via bottle. Here is the plan.

We are working on Winter's suck. Using our little finger we stimulate the top of her mouth until she starts sucking.

When she is hungry, i place her on the breast while using a nipple shield. The hardest part of this is keeping her sucking. She latches great, but at 3 days old is still very sleepy and so I have to keep stimulating her. I let her decide when she is finished. At this point, she is generally on each breast for about 15 to 20 minutes. It feels like forever, but I know that the time will go down as she gets more efficient.

If she gets upset or stops nursing but doesn't seem satisfied, I am to have Ben finger feed her with expressed milk. and then I am to pump for 15 minutes. If she eats from both breasts, is totally satisfied and content, then no pumping...she has done her job.

So far we have had 3 feedings and only ONE time have we had to finger feed and pump!

!!!

I am soooo stoked. Day 3. I am just going to stay positive that it can only get better from here right?! For now, I am just taking it one nursing session at a time. If its all good and I don't have to pump, I save some time. If it's not, then...oh well, we'll just hope next time is better. Plus, my milk is coming in (it never did with G) which is something I was really worried about. yay!

I just want to thank everyone who has left me comments on facebook with encouragement. On the one hand I feel like a complainy biatch...on the other hand, I am SUPER honest in my life. Good and bad. And while people might get sick of my updates, The encouragement and support that I get from my friends is indispensable. I LOVE you all!!!

The other bad thing about today is that Grey is sick. He woke up at 5:30am, puking up his spaghetti dinner from last night. It's been a rough day for him. And of course I am praying that I don't get whatever he has. Hopefully it is just the same 24 hour bug that Ben had last week. For now, I am enjoying some skin to skin time with Winter in the moby. :) Still feeling anxious, I still haven't slept, but unlike at 9 o'clock this morning, I am HOPEFUL.

Picture by Ava @ Zemya Photography

April 28th 2010 - The Birth of Winter Rose

2010-04-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

*at a certain point, the details get fuzzy. I'm sure Teri can correct me. Or tell me that I am nuts and making this alllllll up :) *

Around noon on Tuesday I started to have some mild contractions. They were very irregular, ranging from 8 minutes apart to 20 minutes apart. I tried to stay active. Bounce on my ball, go for walks but they weren't getting closer together. They were actually slowing down.

I hadn't sleep much the night before so around 5pm I decided to lay down. Ben hung out with Grey and I was able to sleep pretty well.

I woke up close to 7pm and started having contractions again. I thought it might go the same as earlier, so I didn't get too excited. My mom decided to come over to wait, instead of waiting at home. I started timing and they were 10 minutes apart for about 30 minutes and then got increasingly closer together. Around 11:30 I called Teri to let her know that it might be a good idea to head this way.

Around midnight, the contractions were 2 to 3 minutes apart and I felt like it was time to head to the hospital. We called Teri to have her meet us there instead of the house. When we got to Kaiser we went through the whole triage rigmarole and found that I was 4cm dilated and could be admitted.

After being admitted, I had my IV put in so I could have my antibiotics since I am GBS+. The contractions were pretty strong, but I was handling them well. I was still laughing and joking. I remember at one point saying, "Someone should update facebook and let everyone know how awesome I am."

Soon though, it got hard for me to find a position that offered any relief. I was checked internally and was "only 5 to 6". I was instantly deflated and saddened. I thought I would be much farther along.

Around 4:15am, Teri suggested getting in the shower. Unfortunately, the nurses wanted to monitor Winter for 2 contractions but were having trouble getting her monitored because I was "moving too much". While standing by the side of the bed, with the monitors on, I suddenly heard and felt a POP! I thought it was Winter kicking, but then *gush*...my water had broken. I used the F word and a few other choice words. Very soon after that I was 9 CM. Most of what I remember was feeling completely animalistic and making noises that I didn't even know I was capable of making.

I was on hands and knees on the bed, using the head of the bed as support. I was told at this point that I was complete and could push. So I did.

I don't remember WHY I flipped to my back, but when I did I was checked again and found that I was actually still only at 9cm and was instructed to NOT PUSH. uh....I couldn't not push! I was told to breath through the contractions, which were long and hard and only about 45 seconds apart...if that. Again, i was making noises that almost scared me. Mostly low and gutteral.

I decided to go ahead and get a dose of fentanyl in the hopes that it would help me relax a little and let my cervix get to 10. It didn't help. I was at the point that I had feared all through my pregnancy and i felt like I would not make it through. I don't know what I thought would happen but I felt like I could not take much more of what I was going through. Then I was told that I had swollen a bit and was back to 8cm. At this point, I opted to get an epidural. I needed it, in order to relax and get back to 10, because with every contraction I was trying not to push, but pushing little pushes and I could not help myself.

The Epi was ordered and it was going to be about 30 minutes before it could be administered. I kept apologizing to everyone and felt like I was letting everyone down. I was scared. I also questioned how in the hell I was going to hold still long enough to have the epidural put in.

And then...just a few minutes after agreeing to an epidural and being told I would have to wait about 30 minutes...Winter was being born. I don't know why or how I felt the difference, but I just knew that this contraction was different. I said that she was coming and asked for that to be confirmed. 2 contractions and 3 pushes later, at 6:26am, WinterRose Elizabeth was born!

I could not believe it. I DID IT! with the exception of a dose of fentanyl, which did *nothing*, I had birthed my baby with out pain meds. The experience was SO different from what I went through with Grey. It was by far the most intense experience of my entire life. I am still in awe. I do not consider myself to be a strong person and i had so many doubts...but I did it!

My friend Michelle was on hand to take some pictures. The pictures are great, but I'm not quite ready to share the more intense labor photos. For now, here are some post birth photos. Taken by Teri. Then more photos taken by Benny and by myself.

April 25th 2010 - My birthday/due date

2010-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is.

My 31st birthday.

WinterRose's due date.

We've had a mellow day. I slept late. Got Grey breakfast and then slept some more. Went to lunch with Kelly and Jeff. Took Grey for a haircut.

In a 3 hour period I had 2 contractions. That's it! Nothing more. I decided to pack my bag and get my camera gear ready. I finally filled out my advance directives. Car seat is installed. Maybe being more "ready" will make us more "ready".

Ben is napping. Grey is "helping" auntie Erin garden. and I blog.

I'm not sure what we will do with the rest of our day. The 2 contractions I had were when we were out and they made me feel an urgency to be home. So maybe just a mellow dinner or some froyo.

I'm still feeling some nerves about having our baby. I feel...less connected to her inutero than I did with Grey. I assume though, that this is normal. I DO have an active 3 year old that takes up a lot of my time and attention. I am SO SO connected to him, it's been hard to imagine Winter as an actual baby and not just a concept of a baby. I try to imagine her in our life, but in my imagination she is just kind of a prop. I'll sit with her here, i'll nurse her here...how does Grey fit around us, still get included. If I hold her this way, will Grey be able to snuggle on the other side? My imagination baby doesn't cry or poop or wiggle about. How freaking far from reality could I possibly be right?

A couple nights ago I prepped Grey for what would happen when I go to the hospital. That Auntie will stay home with him. I might be gone for a couple days but that daddy will come home to pick him up so he can come visit me. He says he doesn't want to visit. He just wants to stay home with Auntie and will see me when I get back. I know he doesn't say this to be mean, but i'm all emotional so it hurts my feelings. And I really really hope that when it is time he changes his mind.

I seriously can not get over what a big boy he is. He eats his cereal and milk without spilling. He gets up himself in the morning and goes potty. He got himself out of the bath and dried off himself.. His new big boy haircut. Sleeping with the light off. putting his socks and shoes on himself. I just really really hope he continues being the huge snug bug that he is. Because I am SOOOO not going to be able to handle the day when he doesn't want to snuggle anymore. I still have a good few years of snuggles left, right?

April 23rd 2010: 40 Week Appointment

2010-04-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

I had my "40 week" appointment today (I'll be 40 wks on Sunday)

1 cm, cervix is soft.

Soooo, nothing really exciting.

We scheduled an NST for next friday, if I haven't had babe by then. We also scheduled my induction for May 9th, just so we'd have a date, but I highly doubt I'll be a full 2 weeks late.

I've actually been feeling pretty good the last few days. Getting last minute things in order. Benny got me a glider for my birthday. I'm looking forward to enjoying my weekend and my birthday on Sunday. I'm tempted to have a birthday party at Skipolini's, but I haven't decided yet.

April 20th 2010: Dinosaur Hill

2010-04-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I had a nice big contraction. It stopped me in my tracks and I had to breath through it. I was hoping this might be the beginning. We decided to go run some errands, keep me on my feet. Unfortunately, no more contractions, just sore hips and being tired.

We ended up at Dinosaur Hill. Searching for dinos, checking out "dinosaur holes" and jumping off of rocks. Grey had a great time and kept telling us how much he loved it after we left. I took lots of pictures. :)

Checking out some "dinosaur holes".

April 19th 2010: A jokester

2010-04-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Last week, Ben taught Grey the most awesome joke: "Guess what?" "chicken butt!"

Oh boy, the kid loves that. So now he'll go around saying, "Guess what?" followed by various things. Here are the most common.

~ Chicken balloon!
~ Butt scratch!
~ Chicken wall!
~ Chicken + anything he sees in front of him!

We also taught him the basis of a knock knock joke. He's not funny yet. Here is how his jokes go.

"Guess what? knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

~ Mama (mama who?) Kelly!

~ Brodie (brodie who?) Brodie is a dog!

~ Fence (fence who?) Fence Bridge!

~ Door (door who?) my door!

He does have one real joke/riddle under his belt. Thought he often messes up the delivery.

Do you know the answer?

"What kind of fish chases a mouse?"

April 19th 2010:

2010-04-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

As I am reaching the end of this pregnancy, I am feeling really really emotional. I'm sure everything I am feeling is the same things other mom's feel.

Ben and I both understand what is about to happen. That our lives and family dynamic are about to change. But GREY doesn't. He's almost 4. He knows he has a sister coming but doesn't really know what that means.

I think the hardest thing is that things are *really* good with him right now. I feel like we've gotten into a good groove. Even when he is mischievous, it is age appropriate, intelligent and adorable. He makes me laugh so much. And while he can get on my last nerve, for the most part we have been having some great days lately. I look at him and realize that each passing day could be our LAST and just US.

I make it sound like becoming a family of four is some kind of doom. Obviously it doesn't have to be that way. I fear being able to give Grey enough attention, I fear being able to love him appropriately. Of course, being conscious of these fears means i'll be more likely to put in the effort to make sure I DO give him some extra/one on one attention.

He's also really good at expressing his emotions. When he is sad, he is SAD. It doesn't come out as aggression or in some other form. It is sadness and it is heartbreaking. And I am soooooo scared that having his sister will make him sad. He says he will be happy, and that he is going to hug her a lot. I sure hope that is the case!

I feel better already, just getting that out. Thanks Blogger!

April 16th 2010: A Lie

2010-04-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

A while back I blogged about Grey's First Lie.

Last night, was the first time that Grey lied to us in order to avoid getting in trouble. It didn't work.

It started when I was cooking dinner. He kept telling me that Carlos the Fish was hungry. I am not involved in fish keeping. Feeding the fish is something he does with Ben. I didn't even know when the last time Carlos the Fish was fed. So, I told him that he would have to wait until daddy got home and ask him about feeding the fish. Of course, by the time Ben was home, he had forgotten.

Cut to a few hours later. Grey was watching an episode of Dora on the computer. I had just given him his 5 minute warning that the computer was going off and we were going to get ready for bedtime. Then, from the bathroom, I hear Ben say, "Uhhhh, Grey!? What is this in the fish tank?"

Grey ran to the bathroom, climbed his steps and said, "I don't know." It was birdseed

When asked if he had put it in the tank, he denied it. When asked if he was lying, he said, "No."

I was watching his face in the mirror and trying not to laugh. He just looked like he *knew* he was screwed.

He finally admitted the truth. We told him we were really disappointed that he lied to us and tried to explain trust. We told him that it was now time to get ready for bed (as in, he didn't get to finish what he was watching). He got soooooo upset. Eventually, he calmed down and apologized for lying to us. Then we went to bed and read the book, The Berenstain Bears and the Truth.

Listening to him recount the story to Grandma over the phone this morning was great. He's just so cute and innocent. "I put birdseed in the fish tank and i lied at daddy and mommy!"

April 16th 2010: Handmade for Winnie

2010-04-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

I appreciate each and every gift that has been given to us for our precious WinterRose. I am pretty sure she has the cutest wardrobe in all of the East Bay and will be fully clothed for the first 6 months of her life...how could I *not* appreciate that!?

If you know me, you would know that I am a sucker for handmade gifts. So while I do love every item we have received, there are a couple of special gifts I wanted to share.

First is this gorgeous frame, made by my friend Erica. I love all of the details. from the music notes in the flower, to the little Bee in the corner. It is just perfect! I can't wait to snap the perfect photo to fill it.

Next is some beautiful blocks, with Winter's name on them, made by my talented friend April. Each side of each block is decorated with a different paper. How amazing are they?!

April 14th 2010: Swiiiiing

2010-04-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

We got this rope swing about a year ago and hung it from our tree. I love this swing. It's so quaint! Unfortunately, Grey hasn't really be able to swing from it. He didn't have the balance last summer. This spring I've been able to help him get on and hold on for a bit. Today, he finally got it on his own, using his arm strength to pull himself onto the disk. How cuuuuute is he?

April 12th 2010: I never thought

2010-04-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

I never thought that I would be one of those women, who at just over 38 weeks was wishing she could just beg for an induction.

And then, my hands started to hurt. First they would go numb. Then the pain. Now, I wake up and I can't even close my hands. I need to wake up, start my day and slowly work them until I can make fists again. My mornings consist of pain and crying. My afternoons even out and I almost feel good! Then I go drive somewhere and gripping the steering wheel brings the pain back...but I'm just so happy to be out of the house!

At dinner, I can hardly grip my fork. Writing cheques to get our bills paid nearly had me in tears.

When I try to sleep, the pain gets worse. It travels. Not just my hands, but all the way up to my elbows. Braces don't help, magnesium isn't helping so far. People keep telling me I should see a chiropractor... and I think I just might.

I'm shocked by how tiring this kind of pain can be. I have a whole new respect for people who live their lives with arthritis or fibromyalgia/other auto-immune disorders. At least for me, i know that this pain should end in a week or two. I can't imagine having this kind of pain for the rest of my life.

Incidentally, typing is a whole heck of a lot easier than eating, drive or writing with a pen. Which is weird because typing usually causes carpal tunnel syndrome. Though, I am beginning to wonder if this is what that is.

I have my 38 week appointment tomorrow and will be talk to my doctor about it. I *don't* want to be induced. I just want to be done...and hope, hope, hope that giving birth will give me my hands back.

April 12th 2010: Gardening

2010-04-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

We've decided to try our hand at a bit of gardening. I have a black thumb. Ben doesn't have much free time. So, together, we've never been great at keeping plants alive.

To start, we've decided to plant some strawberries and to try to keep some basil and rosemary alive. We'll see how it goes!

A rainbow graced our strawberry planting

Today, Grey and I painted little planters. They were intended for the basil but the basil was much too large. So I got some french marigolds to plant in them instead.

My little painter

We got some bigger planters and did some more painting this afternoon. I'm not sure they'll get enough sunlight in this window sill but this is where they will live tonight until we can find a permanent home.

April 12th 2010: Jamie Olivers Food Revolution

2010-04-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

I finally had a chance to watch the first episode of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. This show has come about at a perfect time. Grey is in a preschool that puts a lot of emphasis on healthy eating. They have a garden, they have chickens and fresh eggs. They ask for healthy treats on kids birthdays. I love this! I do not, however, love what I see (and remember) of elementary thru high school provided lunches. When I was in school, I loved the unhealthy foods that were available in our cafeteria. Nachos and nacho cheese everyday? Hell yeah! Ben had "cheese zombies" everyday. As a parent, I am appalled. And I am not the only one.

I should say, until recently, I wasn't much a fan of Jamie Oliver. I thought he was kind of annoying. Until I started reading about some of things he has done and started hearing about his newest TV endeavor.

For those who don't know, Here are just a couple of Jamie's accomplishments:

~He created the Fifteen Foundation in 2002. Each year, 15 young adults who have a disadvantaged background, criminal record or history of drug abuse, are trained in the restaurant business.

~In 2005, he initiated a campaign called "Feed me Better" in order to move British schoolchildren towards eating healthy foods and cutting junk food. As a result, the British government also pledged to address the issue.

Of course, in addition to his charitable work, he is also a successful chef and restaurateur.

The first episode of Food Revolution showed us an elementary school in Huntington West Virginia, which the CDC declared the most unhealthy town in America (based on death stats). The food they serve in this cafeteria is just, disgusting. Chocolate milk and Pink milk!? Pizza for breakfast? The cereals they had available were sugary. Even the chicken breast served for lunch had 15+ ingredients after "chicken breast".

Now, we don't *always* eat the healthiest. And yes, we allow Grey to drink (organic) chocolate milk ON OCCASION. But the idea that a school would serve chocolate milk and pink milk every single day, just pisses me off! And not just everyday, but 2 times a day!?

The other disgusting part of the show was how much bureaucratic BS Jamie had to go through in order to serve a hot lunch from fresh ingredients. The guidelines are whacked!

I can't wait to watch more episodes and see how much change Jamie is able to bring to Huntington. And hopefully, if enough people blog and put up a fuss, some real changes can get made in America's schools! Remember 3 years ago, when only 1 baby bottle company made BPA free bottles? The moms of America were a huge contributor to the change...now all major baby bottle producers make BPA free bottles. If we can do it for our babies, we can make chance for our school age children as well.

Spread the Word!

April 9th 2010: Lemonade

2010-04-10T00:45:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, Ben mentioned that he would like some lemonade. Grey and I went on a mission to make this happen.

We grabbed some lemons from our neighbors tree (they told us to take as much as we want, they don't use them)

Then we headed over to our other neighbors house to borrow a juicer. I thought she would have just a stationary juicer, but what we borrowed was electric. Similar to this one. It was great, Greyson did MOST of the juicing, though he gives me some credit too :)

The yummy finished product. Ahhhh, so refreshing!

April 8th 2010: Consistency.

2010-04-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

It is so nice to see the efforts of my consistency pay off.

When we go to the grocery store I usually let Grey pick one "treat". To me, a treat is something I wouldn't be buying otherwise...Usually "green juice" or raspberries. It doesn't necessarily mean ice cream or cookies. In the past few weeks Grey would ask for more than one treat, but I would tell him he had to choose between the two. He could have juice OR raspberries, but not both. It took him a while (and a lot of whining) to get that concept. And he would repeat, "This OR That?". Now he gets it!

I've also been consistent in now allowing him to get a treat if he has already had a treat earlier in the day. This one was harder. He didn't quite understand that if daddy took him to get doughnuts that morning, that he couldn't have a treat at the grocery store as well...We've had whining, we've had tears and protests...until yesterday!

We went out with daddy around lunchtime and he got to indulge in a horizon chocolate milk. Later in the day, we went to the grocery store. We passed by the juice that he likes and with out any prompting he says, "I can't have juice, because I already had chocolate milk today."

!!! No fuss. No whining. No tears. I was such a proud and happy momma! He got lots of praise for that one, but not juice ;)

April 6th 2010:

2010-04-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight Grey made up a song. The words went: "I'm gonna have a big wet mouth."

He says that the song is about steam. Hmmmm.

April 5th 2010: The Musical Stylings of Grey

2010-04-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier, Ben was playing, "I love grandma" on the guitar. When Grey started playing it tonight he was adding numbers to the song, "I love grandma 1, I love grandma 2..." I realized as I watched him that he was plucking the strings in line with the numbers! Hahahaha. That is better music than I can make. I was very impressed.

And then he sang a song about how much he loves daddy.

And one about his sister

Lastly, He sang a song about being a star. This one impressed me as well. I love that little brain.

Zemya Photography

2010-03-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

Cross posted from my business blog. Please forgive me if you read both!

One of the things that I love about the photography business is how supportive photographers are of eachother. It truly is community rather than competition. So when I learned that my friend and client, Ava, was building her portfolio and starting her own business, I was thrilled for her! I've known her to be a photography enthusiast and love the photos that she takes of her own family. I quickly volunteered my family for a maternity shoot. We met up on Saturday at Daffodil Hill in Livermore. Unfortunately, the daffodils looked like they were on their way out, but the rest of the area was great, with high grass and cobble stone wall. I loved the area!

Here is a small sampling of photos from our session. For a bigger sneak peek, please visit Ava's site: http://zemyaphotography.com

March 28th 2010: Baby Bee's Shower

2010-03-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

Before I was even pregnant, Michelle had decided that she was going to throw me a babyshower/babyblessing when the time came. Michelle is known in our circle as THEE party planner. She loses herself in details and throws the most gorgeous parties. This shower for Winne Bee is no exception.

I was a bit nervous about melding my two groups of friends. My mommy clan, and my single/non-mommy entourage. I don't know WHY I was so nervous. My friends on both sides are amazing and got along fantastically. They know of eachother through facebook postings and conversations, so I think it was fun for them to finally get to meet.

Despite the fact that it made me cry, the bead ceremony was my favourite part of the day. Everyone stood in a circle, with a long length of elastic going around the circle. Each woman spoke with wishes for myself and my family. As they spoke they placed a bead on the elastic. Then the elastic was tied off as a bracelet. It was overwhelming to hear such kind words from women that I admire so much. I feel so lucky to have so the support and love of so many friends.

(all photos by Michelle)

Another fun thing that Michelle had planned was to have Teri do henna on my tummy! It is still taped right now, but I love it and can't wait to see how it looks when the tape comes off.

As I mentioned above, Michelle is the queen of details. This party was gorgeous, with so many awesome little details. No better way to gush over the deets than with photos...

The table with banner, pre-food.

Banner

The awesome atrium

yummy food!

Orange pieces of fabric were laid out. Each person wrote a note to either Winter or me and the family. Eventually these squares will be incorporated into a quilt.

What is a party without cupcakes?!

Wild flowers in old cans for a vintage/rustic feel.

vintage flashcards from Etsy

More flowers and cards

Signs in vintagey frames.

I am so thankful to have friends that care so much about my family and our soon to be new addition. And had so much fun celebrating motherhood and the wiggling little girl in my tummy with those friends. Huge huge thank yous go out to Michelle for opening up her home and her heart to me and the Bee. And also to Teri for leading the bead ceremony and painting my belly (and being my doula and being all around awesome.). Lots of love and hugs to everyone for being there today. I love you all!

March 23rd 2010:

2010-03-24T10:53:00.001-07:00

Leaves are starting to grow on the grapevines. All through winter they look so harsh and uninviting. I love when they are lush with green.

The beginning. I need a macro.

Grey has a new friend. Well, we all do. Adam. He's a great guy, a go getter, a hard worker and he puts up with Grey wanting to throw balls at his head. :)

and he has awesome tattoos as well. I love the leaf on his hand.

March 21st 2010: 35/35

2010-03-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 35th week of my pregnancy, with 35 days left until my estimated due date.

Oh MY goodness.

This morning Grey and I headed out to San Francisco to celebrate a special little girl's 2nd birthday. Michelle and Darrian joined us for the ride. We had a blast. Lots of good food, ride on toys for the kiddos and of course, a fun time with my mommy friends as well.

I didn't bring my camera, but Michelle snapped this photo of Darrian and Greyson holding hands on the way back to the car. They are so stinkin' cute together!

After the party, Grey went to spend some time with Grammy while Ben and I went to a movie. Not exactly wanting to head home after picking up Grey, we ventured out to Oakland to take Grey to his favourite restaurant.

By the time we got home, it was almost time for bed. We decompressed. I had a bath. Grey watched some mickey mouseclub and then we went to bed to read some Berenstain Bears. Now G is asleep.

Ahhhhh, it was a lovely day indeed.

35/35. By this time next week, we'll be down to less than a month until my due date. and 2 weeks from today, I'll be full term.

I love my life. I love my boys. I'm so excited.

March 16th 2010: Random cuteness

2010-03-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

I think Grey might have added for the first time today. He said he wanted cheese. Then he said he wanted 2 cheeses. I said i would give him ONE cheese and if he ate it I would give him two*. He said, "That's this many cheeses?!" and held up 3 fingers. :)

*I actually meant another piece, so two total, but the way I stated it sounded like one...and then two more.

I know he isn't going to sit down and do math problems now, but it was use of mathematics in a real world situation! A first and pretty exciting :)

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I made little pizzas for lunch today. I put red bell pepper and onion on mine (or as G said, Red Bell Popper). Grey didn't want onions or pepper so i just made his cheese. After I cooked it he said, "I want something on my pizza tooooooo." I asked what and he said, "popperonis?" We don't have pepperoni..."Sea salt?" WHAT?! Hahahaha, who puts sea salt on pizza!

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Grey did much better this morning with Preschool drop off. He didn't cry at all! YAY! Hopefully this will be a trend.

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Lately he loves running. We'll send him to run across the field and back to us and then he puts his hand over his heart to feel it beating.

He is also pretty good at hitting a ball with a bat. He's also really into play dough. He loves taking his other toys to press into the dough. Like wooden blocks that have carvings on them, his tea cups, or grape fruit spoons. SEEEE, we don't need a tub of play-doh specific toys!

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I'm going out with some friends on Thursday to celebrate a birthday. A few friends who thought they were coming with us had to cancel. I made a pouty face, Grey looked at me and said, "Are you gonna cry about it?" Hahahaha.

March 15th 2010: 34 weeks

2010-03-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

It was a long lazy weekend.

This is what I got when I tried to take any pictures of Greyson.

I've spent the day having fairly uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions. 1 or 2 an hour. When I walk, part of my pelvis clicks (kind of like when you crack your fingers) when ever I step with my left foot.

I'm tired. And I feel huge. And I can't believe that I have 6ish weeks left. 6 weeks left for Winter to grow and gain weight. She is 20x more active in my womb than Grey ever was. Sometimes I literally feel like she is going to burst out of me.

I'm not complaining though. :)

Grey and I have been practicing "sharing mommy" with his doll Lucy, who is about the size of a newborn. I have told him that I will have to hold Winter a lot and breastfeed her a lot and have been showing him that there is still lots of room for him to snuggle with us even though I am holding her. I have no idea if this will help at all or if he'll even want to snuggle with us once Winnie is actually here, but I've been enjoying the role play.

Sleeeeepy. Nighty night blog world.

March 14th 2010: Wedding Invites

2010-03-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

When My sister-in-law, Emily, asked me to help her design her wedding invitations, I was a bit hesitant. I am *not* a designer and feared I wouldn't do her justice. I even tried to refer her to my friend Donna at Swish Designs, But Emily seemed intent on my helping her.

As it turned out, Emily had already purchased paper. Gorgeous handmade Paper from Napalesepaper.com.

From their website:

NepalesePaper.com has been in business for 10 years and has been practicing Fair Trade since before it was called Fair Trade, when it was just called "the right thing to do." For the past 10 years we have supported the same group in Nepal. Our products give the village regions of Nepal a much needed export, and result in the employment of many women in the Kathmandu Valley. All of our products are entirely tree-free and are made from the environmentally sustainable trimming back of the Lokta Bush.

Of course, I should have expected nothing less than environmentally friendly, humanitarian invites from Emily. These are some of the core values by which her union with Jacob rests!

The paper provided was gorgeous enough that my work was easy. Just a few pages of details and directions. Very simple, clean. I created a little flower emblem that adorns the bottom of each page to tie it all together. I really love how they came out. And most importantly, Emily and Jacob love them as well!

A few photos

Tri-fold bound with a thin bamboo piece. Beneath it lies a Bodhi leaf which is believed to bring patience and enlightenment. As you open the card, the leave comes forward bringing patience and enlightenment to you.

My simple little flower emblem (created using a font called "Floralia" available for free at DaFont.com"

The insides, Not including the RSVP cards.

March 11th 2010: Swing!

2010-03-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

We got this swing over a year ago. Grey wasn't quite big enough to swing on it...until today! WE were very much enjoying the break in the weather and our lush green back yard. I can't wait to get our hammock back up!

Dirty kiddo feet!

March 10th 2010: Babywearing and safety

2010-03-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

The past couple of days, articles have been circulating the internet, warning of the dangers of babywearing.

As with anything concerning baby, when done improperly, it can be dangerous. It is unfortunate that the sling most commonly found in major retailers (like Target) are actually the most dangerous type of sling available.

The babywearing community is up in arms this week in an effort to educate. Proper babywearing safety, to show that not all slings are alike and what to look for in a proper sling.

Here are 2 great blogs that were posted today in response to the negative babywearing press.

~ Babywearing; The real deal on safety

~ Is my sling safe? -or- Not all slings are created equal! - by Sleepingbaby Productions, who also happens to be one of my favourite ring sling makers.

March 9th 2010: 33 week pre-natal appointment

2010-03-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

Today I had my 33 week pre-natal appointment.

It was short and sweet.

Blood pressure is perfect.
No protein in my urine.
Winter is head down.
Heartbeat is strong.
I've only gained 18 pounds!!!

I always have a sigh of relief when i hear that my blood pressure is good. Pre-E is not something I want in my life.

Over all I am feeling much better than I was at my appointment last month. I was having some depression/fatigue issues that have been resolved by being more organized and planning our meals out a week in advance. No more feeling tired and sad at 5pm and trying to figure out what to cook for the family. Plus we're saving money since i'm not crying and saying, "Can we please just go out!?" Hahaha.

Here are a couple pictures of my 33 week belly :)

March 8th 2010: General cuteness

2010-03-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

Today, Grey and I were at the grocery store. A few minutes after walking in I hear an employee behind me say, "Excuse me ma'am?" I assumed that I had dropped something and turned to her. She asked if she could give my son a flower. I said yes and thanked her. As she turned to go she told me that when we came into the store, Grey had WINKED at her.

!!!

Really now? How did he get to be so charming?

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Lately when we sit down to dinner Grey will thank me for the dinner. He has no idea how much I appreciate the acknowledgment.

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Today Grey told me that I need to change my shirt because it is "Yucky and dirty". I asked him if it smelled and he said that it did..."What does it smell like?" Grey - "It's smells like... Jack Passion!" LOLOLOLOL. For the record, Jack does not smell dirty or yucky. Maybe a bit like tacos, but not dirty!

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We took Grey to his first ice hockey game the other night, to support his Uncle Dan. It was great fun. Such a fun sport to watch live. Grey isn't a fan of loud noises and got a little freaked out by the people stomping the bleachers when a goal was scored. But by the end of the game we had him clapping, stomping and howling like a wolf :)

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Speaking of howling like a wolf. He started howling after we watched some videos of wolves howling. Now he will howl and ask, "Am I your little baby wolf?"

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The one song on my rotation of songs that Grey has decided he likes to sing along to is, Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith. Which is a song about heroine. And Grey thinks the lyric is "Noodle on the Hay". It is soooooo cute when he sings it. But of course I have yet to capture it on video.

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Grey says he can see the baby through my belly button. Like a key hole. He says she is running around in circles (no wonder I feel so funky!) and drawing in a book with crayons.

"Winter says she wants milk. But I don't see the refridgerator in your bellybutton."

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I totally forgot that one could blow bubbles in milk with a straw. Until Grey reminded me, while exclaiming, "my milk is getting bigger!"

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Grey had been particularly fussy and weepy. A friend suggested that maybe he was having growing pains. So I asked him, "Do you feel achey from growing?" He says, "No, I'm not a flower."

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Grey is very concerned that Brodie does not have hands and therefor can not ride a bike.

March 8th 2010: For the memory box

2010-03-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Grey has started sleeping with the light off. The only reason this has happened is because of the glow in the dark stars that our friend KD gave him for his birthday last year. Every night when I turn the light off he sighs, "Ohhh wow!" like he is seeing the stars for the first time.

Tonight he decided that Winter needed to see the stars too. He threw the covers off of us and lifted my top. He turned his back to me to face the stars. And then, he reached his arm back and placed his hand on my tummy.

She isn't even born yet and he is already sharing his special moments with her. I can just imagine him holding her hand and looking at those same stars a year from now. *sigh* How did I manage to get such a sweet little man?

March 3rd 2010: Diaper Covers

2010-03-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

There are soooo many adorable diaper covers online, but the price tags that go with them aren't quite as adorable. We still have about 15 bumgenius 2.0 diapers. A couple of Fuzzybunz and some other random covers. I'll probably buy some Thirsties Duo Wraps and maybe splurge on some Blueberry Minky Pockets because they look so soft and lovely.

A couple weeks ago I got hit with the crazy stick and decided that I wanted to sew some of my own diaper covers. Depending on how well I make them and how well they work...they may just end up being "around the house diapers", saving the tried and true leak protectors for going out.

In anycase, it's been fun. I feel accomplished... And they are damn cute! As you can see from my pictures, my first couple of covers didn't turn out the greatest. Almost embarrassing. Bottom row, two days later, my skillz are improving. :)

February 28th 2010 - The Olden Days

2010-02-28T19:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight the boys and I had dinner with Granny and Gramps (Ben's grandparents). Gramps always has the best stories about his childhood and their early days together.

Tonight they told us about when they first had my Father in Law, Dan. Gramps was in the Navy and was away. He was able to get a flight back to Alameda to be with Granny when she gave birth. He had a pass for a few days and then had to return to his station. 5 weeks later, his time was up. They packed up a small trailer with their their minimal belongings and drove their 1951 Studebaker across the country to Minnesota, where Gramps grew up. They had a few days to visit with family before heading off to the University of Minnesota, where Gramps would be going to school. They lived in a domed building, which was a duplex and had NO furniture save for the crib that was handed down to them by one of Gramps' sisters. They froze their butts off in the Minnesota winter. Their only source of heat was a 5 gallon gas heater that had to be refilled outside each night.

Gramps went to school during the day and then worked a job into the evening. When he got home Granny would leave for her job at a fulfillment center where she would work until 1 or 2am.

I love listening to these stories. It makes me feel so silly for fretting over being able to afford a certain stroller or certain furniture. Is it nice to be able to buy *stuff* when you want to? Of course it is. I love to buy cute things for my babies, cute things for myself. But it isn't necessary. Like Granny and Gramps, we have love, we have family, we have dedication.

Everything else is just a bonus.

February 27th 2010 - Pre-school Woes

2010-02-27T22:50:00.000-08:00

The first few weeks of Grey going to preschool were great. He looked forward to going and was so enthusiastic. Then he took a week off because he was sick. After he went back the first day he decided he didn't want to go back again.

He told us that he was scared of the "bad guys". Of course, in my mind I freaked out a little thinking that an adult at school was hurting him. But I questioned him more and found out that the "bad guys" are kids at school who are loud. The girls who scream and squeal with delight. Or kids who scream when another child takes a toy. I explained to him that the children are not BAD that they are just loud. We taught him how to plug his ears. He knows that his teachers will help him when he needs it.

The last week of school was rough. He cried all morning before leaving the house. He cried when I left him at school. I cried when left him at school (after leaving, not in front of him). His teacher assures me that after I leave and he calms down that he gets into the swing of things and has a good time. If he didn't, she would call me. He plays with his friends. Once in a while he will say that he misses me and tear up, but then is able to get it together. She relayed to me a conversation he had with his friend stating that he missed his mommy. His friend replied that it was ok and I would be back soon. Then they ran off to play cars. The one positive is that I am so happy to hear him expressing himself in words and with tears rather than in aggression.

For me, I am very conflicted. My memories of preschool are of crying. Of trying to fake sick so I could go home. As I've written before, this is my very earliest memories of anxiety. I feel like this effected how I felt about school my whole life. I don't want that for Grey. If he wasn't calming down and didn't have two teachers that he was especially bonded to, I would have for sure pulled him out of school by now. The AP mama in me does want to do this. The whole reason I put him in preschool was that I thought he was ready and because he was really enjoying it.

The other issue we are having is him freaking out anytime someone leaves the house. I had to hold him SCREAMING the other day as my mom pulled out of the driveway. And then he cries this low, howling like cry. Over and over, "I want my grandmaaaaaaa." or "I want my daddddddddddy."

I thought we had escaped toddlerhood with little to no separation issues, but this is a biggie. It just makes me so sad to see him so upset. I do my best to comfort him, reassure him. Let him have his feelings and cry if he wants to. However, it is very very trying for me, emotionally. I've done a lot of crying myself this week.

February 27th 2010 - Quotes

2010-02-27T22:29:00.001-08:00

Grey has had some pretty funny little quotes lately. He is starting to acknowledge Winter more, talk to her in my tummy and tell her that he loves her. And then asks if Winter loves him too. It so so so sweet.

He likes to tell me what he thinks Winter is saying. And today he looked into my belly button like a key hole and proclaimed that he could see the baby. He said that she was running in circles and drawing with crayons. No wonder I have been feeling so funky lately!

"Winter says she wants milk. But I don't see the refrigerator in your bellybutton."

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Lately Grey is very concerned with Brodie and his lack of hands. However is he supposed to ride a bike!?

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Last week at my dad's house Grey was spinning in circles. When he stopped he proclaimed, "Oh no! The house is coming down!"

My dad also offered him a sip of soda (I sure hope you were joking Dad!) and Grey's response was "Oh no, I can't have that." Good job kiddo!

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When we go to the grocery store I sometimes tell Grey that he can have a treat. I'm sure this is a terrible habit. At this point I get to veto his choices if I dont approve and steer him into thinking that healthy foods are "treats". I suppose my definition of "treat" is an item that he gets to pick himself...not necessarily candy or something sugary. Anywho, last week we were at Trader Joe's and he pointed to an item (caramel corn) and asked if that could be his treat. I said no. I got absolutely no protest. He just said, "Ok, what treat can I have? Blueberries?" SURE!!! The older woman behind us was very impressed by his remaining calm and not fighting me on the item that he wanted. As a sidenote, Grey has never had popcorn or caramel corn. It was just the first non-drink item in the store that we saw.

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The other day Grey was in his room looking at his Old MacDonald book and singing. But he was singing "oh boy oh boy oh" instead of EIEIO.

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The other night Grey asked me about something Winter was going to so at her own house. I told him she was going to live with us and he got really upset and said she needed to love at her own house with her own mommy :(

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February 23rd 2010 - I love my husband

2010-02-23T21:57:00.000-08:00

After working all day long, at a physically demanding job...I'm sure the only thing Beniko wants to do when he is done is REST.

But lately he has been taking over child duty. By the end of the day I am spent. Not just feelin' tired but feeling ready to pass out, sore, emotional. Tonight was no exception.

Ben had to leave to run an errand. Grey wanted his daddy and cried for him the entire 45 minutes he was gone. Mama was not cuttin' it. And after a day full of anxiety, most likely brought on by lack of sleep, I was about ready to jump out of my skin. When Ben got home he read some books to Grey while I slipped to the bathroom to have what I thought was going to be a quiet meltdown. It ended up being not so quiet and Beniko ended up with two cry babies on his hands.

And then, again after having worked all day and being tired himself, Benny offered to rub my feet. And after rubbing my feet he took on the task of getting Grey in bed. Which luckily, was pretty easy and he fell asleep very soon. Crying for an hour will wear a kiddo out.

*swoon* how did I get so lucky? I only hope that he knows how much I truly appreciate all that he does for us.

I love my dude. He doesn't smell like a lady. And he is on a horse.

February 23rd 2010 - Baby wearing demo

2010-02-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

Last week my friend and doula, Teri, hosted a babywearing demo. She brough her whole stash of baby carriers. Rebozo, moby wrap, didymos wrap, Mei Tai, Pouch Sling, Ring Sling,Beco and Ergo, X-Carrier...Um am I forgetting anything?

Aside from myself there was only 2 other attendees. A small turn out but fun none the less. I didn't take many photos and they weren't that great...but here are a few.

The Full stash of carriers.